In this technological age, it seems that superheroes are relying more and more on computers and that information superhighway known as the internet. But looking around at some of the people you see on the web everyday, it’s hard not to be reminded of some of your favourite heroes. Here are just a few examples of the different kinds of internet users, and the superheroes they resemble…
10. Batman
This is the guy who’s got information on everyone, and I mean EVERYONE. He knows exactly what their every move is, was, and will be. Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, he follows you into all of the dark alleys of the internet and strikes just when you think you’re finally safe. He is adept at manipulating the people around him so subtly they don’t even realize what he’s done until after the trap is sprung.
Also has no patience for jokers.
9. Rogue
She is the girl that has never been able to have an original opinion. Instead, she leeches off of her friends, liking the things they like, following the things they follow. Every link on her Facebook page is a repost and even her status updates are unoriginal. The worst part is she’s not even consistent; one day she’ll be spouting off about how important a woman’s right to choose is, then post bible scripture the next day.
It’s like she absorbs other people’s essences, but can’t hold onto them long enough to form her own identity.
8. Hulk
We’ve all seen this guy. He loves comment boards and chat rooms, but gets horribly defensive the second his views are attacked. He turns green with rage and start blathering absolute nonsense at the merest insult. Even if someone is just trying to start a good natured debate, he flares up and starts smashing his way through the discussion. The only thing that can calm him down is the touch of a good woman, but the fact that he can’t seem to get one is probably the source of all his anger in the first place.
And so he lives in an endless cycle of rage and loneliness.
7. Captain Marvel
He looks like just another normal guy… on paper. He’s got a college degree, a good job, even his own place. But as soon as he opens his mouth, it’s like you’re talking to a 10-year-old. This is the man you see spending a little too much time on Pokemon discussion boards, the one who’s Netflix queue is entirely cartoons.
Put simply, he’s a child trapped in a man’s body. Let’s all just hope he doesn’t end up on “To Catch A Predator”…
6. Martian Manhunter
The internet is his playground. Breaking into secure networks? He phases right through the firewalls. Guessing your Facebook password? It’s like he can read your mind. And he manages to come out on top of every fight, every argument you’ve seen him comment on. It’s like there’s nothing he can’t handle… except flame wars, that is. As soon as the profanity comes out, it’s like he curls up into a little ball and becomes paralyzed with fear. It doesn’t even matter that he’s always got the facts to back his side up, once the other side starts flaming, he’s out for the count.
5. Spider-Man
This guy has his finger on the pulse. He is constantly aware of every meme on the web, and he makes sure you know it too. His Facebook is covered in pictures from places you’ve never even heard of, and he somehow manages to always get his original work stuck on the front page of sites like Tickld and 9Gag. Even George Takei has posted a few of his images. It’s like he’s climbing onto every one of your friend’s walls.
But with great power comes great responsibility, and your greatest fear is that one day, he might just himself into a meme…
4. Superman
He’s the guy you call when you need help and you’ve exhausted all your options. He may not have heard of your Kickstarter campaign or know why you need another 1,000 signatures on your petition, but somehow he always manages to get there at the last minute and knows just how to save you. His powers seem otherworldly, and you have no idea how he’s able to do it, but time and again you’ve seen him come to the rescue and help get the word out for worthy causes. He’s even helped find lost pets!
If only he didn’t have to blog about every single one of his exploits immediately afterwards!
3. Wonder Woman
This is a man’s world, and she is determined to prove it. She’s constantly posting feminist rhetoric, and always insists on uncovering the “true story”, never taking anything at face value. Even when a news item seems to have nothing to do with gender issues on the surface, she finds a way to spin it and turn it into more ammunition in her war against men. She always manages to put the squeeze on her victims and gets them to admit everything she wants to hear.
2. Flash
Always first on the scene, and always has to prove it. He’s sent out links to more of his successful “F1RST!!!!” posts than anything else. It’s like a compulsion. But, then again, he is always the first person to hear about the next big thing. Unfortunately, by the time you’ve caught up, he’s already moved on to something else. He’s just too quick for you.
1. Green Lantern
The architect and designer. He doesn’t just use the internet, he changes it. Anything he imagines seems to just spring up. He’s created more websites than you can count, and they’re all actually pretty cool. He’s a pro at HTML, CSS, Photoshop, and those are just the things you understand. He’ll be on a roll for 24 hours before he needs to recharge, but then you know he’ll just be back at it again, turning everything he can imagine into a reality.
Did any of these internet superheroes sound like someone you know? Or maybe even you? Sound off in the comments!
