You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, you can’t explore new worlds without melting the faces off of a few red shirts, and you can’t run an evil organization intent on world domination without a gaggle of faceless henchmen to serve as cannon fodder. A hero needs a disproportionate amount of foes to punch in the face, and the villain needs someone to maintain oxygen levels on their orbiting satellite base while they are busy concocting new deathtraps.
In a nutshell, henchmen are the interns in the superhero business and, more often than not, some henchmen shine brighter than others, with a gauntlet’s worth of cronies being brighter than their eldritch employers. Here are five henchmen who actually outshined their evil masters:
5. Starscream
The Decepticon first lieutenant who can turn into a jet, Starscream makes this list because no matter the incarnation, be it Transformers Generation 1, 2, Armada, Marvel Comics imprint, all three Michael Bay movies, Animated, a cameo appearance on Beast Wars, and Prime, Starscream’s character is a constant — a treacherous, backstabbing, proficient, shape-shifting jet who oftentimes has a voice akin to needles being dragged across the chalkboard of your very soul and at one point or another will overthrow Megatron for at least a day.
This treacherous robot, who can turn into a F-15 Eagle, has at one point or another incited a Decepticon civil war, made clones of himself to overthrow Megatron—clones who proved their lineage by turning on Starscream himself— and had a ghost who possessed the body of a wasp-themed robot and overthrew that generation’s Tyrannosaurus Rex-themed Megatron.
Starscream’s treachery aside, the positions of power Megatron places him in perfectly reflect his true positions of power. In the animated series (Generation 1), Megatron, the almighty leader of the Decepticons, turns into a gun that looks surprisingly like a Mauser pistol, and shrinks and grows through the use of Transformers based science (See also: the pocket dimension that holds Optimus Prime’s trailer) so that when he transforms into his gun form, he needs someone else to shoot him. Most of the time, this triggerman is Starscream, ultimately meaning that it is Starscream who aims and chooses when Megatron is used, and that most of Megatron’s kill-count is technically Starscream’s.
During The Transformers: The Movie, which operates in the same continuity as the animated series, Starscream is able to finally execute the final stroke of his master plan, evacuating Megatron out of an airlock and killing him, wherein Starscream is declared the new leader of the Decepticons. Only problem is that Megatron is found in Deep Space by the proverbial Galactus of the Transformer universe, Unicron, who revives Megatron, improving upon his body and strength in a new Galvatron form. Though Galvatron would come back to kill Starscream, if it wasn’t for the turncoat jet’s actions, Megatron/Galvatron wouldn’t have been strong enough to help destroy Unicron later on.
So, while Starscream is definitely an untrustworthy robot—or simply a robot if you ask me—his greater intelligence, in spite of his plans failing time and time again, is evident in the fact that Starscream is the only individual who was able to bring about a truce between the two factions. In the Generation 1 Animated Series, Starscream hijacks an “exponential generator” approaching critical mass and threatening to destroy the world, forcing Megatron and Optimus Prime to put aside their differences and work together to stop the jet who can transform into a douche. Likewise, in Transformers Armada, Starscream, in his most samurai of incarnations, allows himself to be turned to ash by the humanoid planet Unicron, forcing Megatron not only to acknowledge the threat of the world breaker, but also declare a cease-fire with the Autobots. Starscream did what neither robotic warlord could do – end the coolest civil war of all time.
Incidentally, the trigger part of Megatron is also his crotch in robot form so, it’s not a big surprise as to why Starscream wants to overthrow the guy so badly.
4. Harley Quinn
Despite the solo series, videogame appearances, countless cosplaying costumes, and the name of Kevin Smith’s firstborn child devoted to the Joker’s girlfriend, many forget that Harley Quinn started of as what was originally supposed to be just a random Joker henchman – I mean henchwoman. After gaining popularity, likely because some lady hanging out with the Joker raises a surprisingly large amount of questions for a show centered around a guy who is really into rodents, Quinn was later given lines, a fully fleshed backstory in the comic Mad Love (later adapted into an episode of Batman: TAS with the same name). In Mad Love, we explore both Quinn’s origins and the Joker’s intent with Batman, specifically that while the Joker wants to kill the Bat, he has to kill him in the most spectacular way possible in order to demonstrate the full pants-wetting potential of his comic genius.
In this issue however, Quinn plays the part of battered girlfriend, seeking help from the Batman, claiming that her “puddin'” had gone completely off the edge, even for her crazy ass. Taking her act as genuine — which is somewhat true, as the Joker is a loving boyfriend in the sense that pizza is a vegetable– Batman lets his guard down just long enough for Harley to knock him out, resulting in a capeless crusader waking up suspended over a repurposed Joker-brand Dark Knight Death-Trap.
Utility Belt-stripped, recently drugged, and suspended upside down with blood rushing to his head over a tank of fishnapped piranha, Batman himself admits that Harley got extremely close to killing him — closer than the Joker ever did at least. The only way that Batman is able to escape is by convincing Quinn to get Joker to witness the death trap itself, wherein Mr. J single-handedly botches everything, throwing Quinn out of a pane-glass window for the sake of his own ego.
Even though the Batman is able to psychologically outfox a former pop culture psychologist, the only reason Batman is still alive is because of his own arch-nemesis’ ineptitude. Quinn proved she could improve upon one of the Joker’s ideas, but the Joker just couldn’t let her have the last laugh.
Of course, other writers would later say that the Joker merely wants to get caught in a game of “cat and also cat” with Batman and has no actual desire to kill him, rather wants to force the Bat to drop to Joker’s level by killing him. However, this depends on the Joker’s mood (not to mention the writer’s), as no doubt he has certainly strapped the Dark Knight to a gigantic piano a fair amount of times. Regardless, Batman said it himself: Harley Quinn outsmarted him.
3. Ocelot
Yes, Ocelot, or Revolver Ocelot, or Adamska, or Liquid Ocelot, is primarily featured in the Metal Gear Solid videogame series, but graphic novels exist for two of those so far, and Ocelot is the most undermining non-aircraft themed henchman since the coalition of the mole people, so he makes the list.
In literally every single one of his appearances in the Metal Gear Solid series, spanning the 1960s to 2015, Ocelot has been the stealthiest of individuals in a stealth-reliant world. He will appear as some sort of starter boss—no powers amongst individuals who can break the fourth wall of videogames and run on water – you will whoop him accordingly, and yet, the dude still manages to stick around. Seriously, it is only when you enter the most climatic of final fights with this SOB who refuses to die that you realize that he has been the lynchpin for nearly every event for this convoluted miasma of a videogame series about stealth actions and absurdly long cut-scenes.
For the record, the next five paragraphs or so have more spoilers in them than the parking lot for a Fast and Furious sextet drive-in marathon, so proceed with caution, as a lot of these events occur in post credit “Duhn Duhn Duhh!” exposition.
In Metal Gear Solid we are introduced to Revolver Ocelot, who works under the employ of Liquid Snake and his FOXHOUND fighting force of freaks as they take over Shadow Moses Island. Liquid plans to commandeer the walking nuclear platform Metal Gear REX to begin his new world order, and Revolver Ocelot is his right hand man. Incidentally, Revolver Ocelot’s right hand is chopped off by a cybernetic ninja, but this doesn’t stop the former Spetsnaz agent, as he tortures the hell out of as many people he can throughout the course of the game, potential ambidexterity be damned.
So Revolver Ocelot, or Shalashaska as he was known in the Soviet Union, has made it pretty clear that he is a douche. He rebounds bullets all over your face, tortures the hell out of your junk, the real “solid snake” of the game —threatening to torture your girlfriend Meryl if you can’t handle said junk-torture — and kills a DARPA chief with similar torture techniques to obtain the launch codes for Metal Gear REX.
He also really loves revolvers, delivering “odd” lines such as, “There’s nothing like the feeling of slamming a long silver bullet into a well greased chamber.”
Phasing right over that, by the end of Metal Gear Solid you, Solid Snake, have killed every member of FOXHOUND and are ready to ride off into the sunset with either Meryl or your best bro Otacon tightly grasping your torso.
But WAIT — in a post credits phone call, Ocelot reveals that he never planned to give the launch codes to Liquid and FOXHOUND at all, as he has been secretly working for the President of the United States this entire time. Twist!
So the cowboy themed lackey was actually a double agent. By the start of Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty, we can assume that Ocelot is just working for the President and CIA right? Well yes, but no. Ocelot works for the President, but the President is actually Solidus Snake, who has his own cabal of extra-able warriors known as DEAD CELL to help take over the world with the commandeered Metal Gear RAY in the newly formed Sons of Liberty terrorist cell.
Of course you can’t commandeer an amphibious bipedal tank without two hands, so Ocelot is seen sporting a replacement arm, which apparently used to belong to his former boss, Liquid Snake. Now, and I’m still not entirely sure on the “science” behind it, Liquid’s personality somehow takes over Ocelot’s body time and again, meaning that Ocelot is in a way a henchman to his own body. Even when he is doing his own thing and making a name for himself, Ocelot’s former boss is still literally jerking him around.
So Ocelot has got his own Metal Gear, his own cell of theatrical terrorists with borderline superpowers, and a former U.S. President/Spy for a boss. But CONTINUE WAITING — Ocelot betrays Solidus and is in actuality working for The Patriots, an illuminati analogue that has been controlling the world for years, with Ocelot’s ultimate goal to help re-create the events of Metal Gear Solid in an attempt to create a legendary soldier out of the bleached blonde protagonist of Metal Gear Solid 2, Raiden, because pull-ups aren’t sufficient enough, apparently.
Thus far, Ocelot has been a double agent for Solidus Snake while working for Liquid Snake, simultaneously serving as a triple agent for the Patriots as his former boss begins to micromanage his brain. Surely, this can’t get more convoluted, right?
Let’s go back in time to the 1960s for a second in Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater. Here, In Snake Eater, Ocelot is a major in the Spetsnaz GRU, wherein he has his own “Ocelot Unit” under the employ for Col. Volgin, a defective Stalinist who seeks to seize control of the Soviet Union and kick-start the cold war.
No, they aren’t actually made up of Ocelots. I was disappointed too.
Ocelot tries to kill you, Naked Snake, on at least three separate occasions—one involving a motorcycle chase — as well as a game of Russian roulette with one bullet in three pistols. He tries to kill you, and even discovers his affinity for sadism, however there is a sort of amicability behind it all, even when he tries to snipe you out of a plane with a handgun.
Of course when the credits roll, there is yet another post credits phone call twist regarding Ocelot. He has been working for the Patriots the entire time—not the big shocker, as we knew this from Metal Gear Solid 2 — but he was a Patriot spy while simultaneously working as a spy for both the CIA and KGB! He is Matt Damon in The Departed but with more guys who can control honeybees with their minds.
So apparently, Ocelot’s real name is Adamska, or codename ADAM, and he was supposed to help Snake out for the entire game, but a Chinese sleeper agent beat him to the punch, pretending to be Snake’s contact. Not wanting to blow his cover(s) while blowing the cover of the Chinese spy, Ocelot instead decides to just get really close to killing Snake, but not actually succeeding at it, while simultaneously serving on both sides of military “intelligence” during the Cold War.
Just to recap: in the most espionage, and cloak-and-dagger-filled war in American history, Ocelot or Adam or Adamska or Revolver Ocelot or Liquid Ocelot or Shalashaska managed to trick both sides into thinking he was working for them whilst evading detection in the very work he was hired to do; work under a Colonel who had a penchant for electrocuting interrogation suspects in oil drums; uncover a Chinese spy who was sleeping with said Colonel; and convince you that he is badass while juggling three revolvers.
I don’t even need to go into Metal Gear Solid 4 at this point—and that’s not just because Ocelot finally gets to be upper management—the guy has appeared in four games and has managed to pull off the twistiest of twists since M. Night Shyamalan dancing to Chubby Checker’s greatest hits. At every opportunity Ocelot presents himself as a vanilla one-trick pony, when in reality he is the pale horse of stealth-action-based destruction.
2. Henchmen #24 and #21
In the Marvel Universe and Johnny Quest satire The Venture Bros., the eponymous Venture twins and their kinda-sorta abusive father, Doctor Rusty Venture, are harassed on a nigh constant basis by The Monarch, an individual whose butterfly themed hatred for Dr. Venture runs deeper than sanity or mere explanation itself.
Seriously. For like four seasons now, The Monarch has launched oddly specific butterfly and insect based villainy against the Venture family, and never once have we gotten a reason as to why said villainy exists. In spite of this long-stemmed and mysterious hatred, the majority of this hatred-based work is outsourced to the Monarch’s henchmen, a legion of butterfly-themed lay-abouts armed to the teeth with nothing but self-destructive personalities and an affinity for Guitar Hero.
First and foremost, the life of a Monarch Henchman is a brutal, scrotum- shattering one, where death looms around every corner in the shape of everything from Joseph and his Technicolor-nightmare-coat to a shape-shifting David Bowie, and their only defense against absurdly-themed death is essentially those golden pennies you had to wear in middle school gym for body armor. Though the henchmen are also equipped with a shoot-a-dart guns and a pair of fully functional butterfly wings, these technological innovations are oftentimes discovered literally on the fly.
The Monarch himself is responsible for more friendly fire than a Human Torch played by Mr. Rogers. Wrist mounted dart guns, a temper shorter than a men’s room line at Lilith Faire, and a self-assigned chaotic evil alignment, it’s no wonder that the monarch is one of the main causes of Monarch Henchmen related death.
Inexplicably surviving despite these daily decimations are Henchmen #21 and #24, whose nigh-perfect survivalism and unique brand of clever cowardice is no thanks to bombastic battlefield tactics nor superior physical conditioning (obviously), rather just pure goddamn luck and a devotion to cowardice rivaling only helicopter pilots in zombie movies. The duo is able to mystifyingly tease death’s pale Gothic bosom in eluding fatality by the shivs of malicious murder moppets, Henry Kissinger based demon kin, heavily armored G.I. Joe analogues, their own employer, and the Patrick Warburton-voiced juggernaut Brock Samson, all the while contemplating the unfathomable philosophical depths of a “crazy hypothetical fist fight between Lizzie Borden and Anne Frank” or the mightiest of Cryptozoology animalia.
It’s not even pure luck that saves the duo from becoming casualties, as more often than not the two are direct targets for retribution. 21 even writes a tell-all book about what goes on behind the giant deployable butterfly wings, The Flight of the Monarch, prompting the Monarch to pledge a henchman killing spree if the author wouldn’t step forward, as he cries tears of betrayal in his cocoon themed bedroom. Though the details go unsaid, a scapegoat is presented to the Monarch, who proceeds to replace the poor cohort’s blood with acid, throw him into a shark tank, and then drop a comically oversized hair dryer into the shark tank. As 21 and 24 explain, they can uncannily come out unscathed in even the most explosive of scenarios, as if they were supporting characters on some sort of television series.
Well, uncanny for the most part at least, as in a rare twist of irony a seat belt becomes a binding spell of destruction for 24 as he crosses the river Styx in Season 3, his powder-blue Nissan Stanza serving as his proverbial Charon.
The symbiotic relationship between 21 and 24 isn’t lost however, as 21 uses 24’s death as the catalytic agent in rebuilding his very self into the Wolverine of monarch henchmen, bootstrapping the formerly nerf-gun-vulnerable henchmen into a sufficiently-lubricated ass-kicking and bubblegum-chewing machine whose bubblegum tray is always empty.
21 manages to kidnap the Venture Brothers on a mission of his own design, and even manages to put up a decent fight against Brock Sampson, while an apparition of 24 provides his former best friend with extra-sensory reconnaissance. Keep in mind that 21 did manage to actually kill the Venture Brothers in an unintentional drive-by, way before he chiseled out his inner Sin Eater.
Sure, the hit lacked theatricality, but you can’t argue with the results. Albeit now that I think of it, theatricality, adherence to themes and a particular nonchalance towards homicide seem to make up the terror trinity of villainy.
Now branching out under his own villainous moniker, with a clone baby of 24 on the way, and a well earned make out with Dr. Mrs. The Monarch, 21 and 24 have proven a level of competency, if not villainy, that should make their boss or any other animal themed troublemaker quake in their PVC booties.
Additionally, keep in mind that 21 and 24’s boss, The Monarch, originally started as a henchman himself, known as Shadowman 9, under the employ of Phantom Limb. Over the course of several seasons worth of girlfriend stealing – both literal and metaphorical – S**t-list amending, and wars in the Grand Canyon with, yes, a shape-shifting David Bowie, the former henchman turned butterfly-themed psychotic self-appointed king thus far seems to have the upper hand on Phantom Limb, by which I mean the Monarch indirectly cut off his right arm, left leg, “third leg,” and stole back his stolen girlfriend.
Perhaps it is all just a self-fulfilling cycle of Henchmen overpowering their masters, like Emperor Palpatine said it would be like all along.
1. Armin Zola
The brains behind HYDRA– the Nazi sect devoted to science and hatred, Dr. Armin Zola has served for countless decades as the obligatory mad scientist for The Red Skull, as he bravely sends wave after wave of quasi-Nazi henchmen into the red, white and blue blutwurst processing machine that is Herr Captain America.
Though HYDRA agents thrown against Captain America, The Defenders, and the greatest generation ever, have about the same odds for survival as a snowflake in Gillian Jacob’s jeans, those odds wouldn’t even be an iota as high if it weren’t for the genius of Dr. Zola.
Take for example Dr. Zola’s depiction in Captain America: The First Avenger, wherein Zola provides the Red Skull with the technology necessary to harness the power of the Cosmic Cube. With the cube as a power source, Zola was able to single-handedly bolster the entirety of the HYDRA war machine, from Uber-tanks capable of launching a solo-blitzkrieg to the laser-Mauser that the Red Skull is so fond of. When left to his own mental devices however, Red Skull simply grasps the cube with his bare hands, teleporting him instantly to the bifrost. Without Zola, there would be no HYDRA.
This is a bit off topic but while it appears as if the Red Skull is killed when he touches the cube, I assure you, with the Skull’s superhuman stature and Hitler levels of villainy, he is totally alive, likely translating Mein Kampf into whatever language Frost-Giants use.
Doctor Zola, on the other hand is likely still alive, as the film makes several allusions to the robot bodies that Zola is quite fond of using in the comics. By digitally transferring his consciousness into these android bodies, Zola is able to attain a level of immortality unknown to both the Red Skull or Captain America. If either one of the super soldier serum sporting soldiers get shot in the face, they die. You shoot Zola in the face however, and he will just transfer his consciousness to another robot body.
Blueprint of robot shell– 1:00:32
In fact, although Zola has been living under the collective boots of the Red Skull and Captain America for his entire comic life, both of Zola’s tormentors are only alive thanks to the mecha-bound doctor’s machinations. When the Red Skull dies, who supplies the bipedal android body to house his consciousness? And when Marvel decided to kill Captain America for a year, who provided the obligatory retcon-machine to pull him out of a time warp? Armin Zola. So yeah, Armin Zola didn’t just keep World War II going, but even brought back its two most super-powered combats to keep the conflict going sixty plus years later.
Perhaps if his ambitions matched his penchant for evading death, Zola could spearhead his own league of science-based super-villainy with a penchant for using bolas and iPads somehow incorporated into masks.
Of course these are just five henchmen in an endless sea of six-color cannon fodder, so let us know what you think! Should I have gone with my gut and placed Kim Possible’s Shego on the list? Stephen from Django Unchained? Bob, Agent of HYDRA? LET US KNOW IN THE COMMENTS!