In life, you will meet two people. Those who love Christmas and those who hate it. I… am neither of those people. Gasp! Oh, please don’t ask why, I don’t quite know the reason. Maybe it’s because my shoes are too tight. It could be my head isn’t screwed on just right. But I think that the most likely reason of all is that I am a soulless husk of a person who cannot experience joy in any shape or form. What? You thought that my heart is two sizes too small? Don’t be silly.
So… yeah, I’m not all that big on the Christmas thing. I don’t hate it, I like it fine. I just don’t get swept up in all the yuletide muckety muck. That being said, There is one thing I do love about Christmas… The Muppet’s Christmas Carol. Oh, and weird as hell superhero Christmas stories! We’ve all read or seen a few of them. They’re fun, they’re silly, they’re so chock full of mistletoe and seasonal joy that it makes me want to strangle an elf! That being said, here’s a list of what I think are the strangest superhero Christmas stories.
DISCLAIMER! My own opinion, blah blah blah, in no particular order, blah blah blah, you don’t like it then suck on a Christmas pudding, blah blah blah.
10. The Punisher: Silent Night
Frank Castle kills Santa. Okay, not really. But it’s pretty up there in terms of disturbing Christmas stories. So, it’s Christmas Eve in New York and the Punisher is about to go about his annual holiday tradition: killing criminals. Okay, that’s more of a daily tradition for him than anything else. But he uncovers info about a mobster who is planning to kill a former gangster who turned states evidence against his father. Ah, a classic Christmas tale. He finds another criminal who has turned a new leaf and is a Father Christmas in a shopping centre. He beats and nearly kills him in order to get more info… in front of several children. I’m sure that won’t leave any lasting emotional trauma! Frank then infiltrates an orphanage dressed as Santa (as you might have guessed, not a very jolly one) and finds the former gangster, using him as bait to catch the other criminal. You with me so far?
Things go about as well as you’d expect. He gives a shotgun to a priest in order to protect the orphans, kills all the gangsters with explosives, drowns the mob boss, the criminal who was dressed as Santa gets stabbed repeatedly and the Punisher kills the gangster who he used as bait and then dresses him up as Santa for the orphans to find. Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m just about ready to kill myself this is so depressing.
9. Batman The Animated Series: Christmas with the Joker
Regular readers of my articles (a man can dream, can’t he?) will know that I loathe Batman with all of my shrivelled up heart. But I do like two things about him: the animated series and the Joker. And both of these things come together in the episode “Christmas with the Joker”. And yes, you’ll be pleased to hear, they get the “jingle bells, Batman smells…” gag over and done with almost immediately. I say “done with”. Ugh. Let’s take a look.
So it’s Christmas time in Gotham and Robin wants Batman to watch It’s a Wonderful Life with him. But then, oh no! The Joker escapes Arkham Asylum by riding on a rocket powered Christmas tree. Uh… what? How does that work? When did he find time to make that while incarcerated? How would he even go about it? Wait, you know what? It’s Batman. I should be bringing too much logic into it. So it’s up to the dynamic duo to stop the Joker from killing Commissioner Gordon, Harvey Bullock (hah! “Bullock”) and some other person that I don’t care about and save Christmas!
Along the way, they encounter a killer observatory telescope, destructive toy soldiers and a runaway train. And, in a scene that made me smile so much I scared the neighbour’s children, the Joker gets Batman in the face with a cream pie. Words cannot express how funny that was. Top it off with Mark Hamill as the Joker singing Christmas carols and you’ve got a perfect Batman related Christmas story. I say “perfect”, Batman was in it sooooo… I hate Batman so much. But on the plus side, this episode is also the very first appearance of Harley Quinn, so that’s something too.
8. He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special
BWA HA HA HA HA! OH GOD, IT’S SO STUPID! HA HA HA HA! Oh my word! This… this is so… even for He-Man this is stupid! How could anybody think this was a good idea? Let’s have a look and see just how… HA HA HA HA!
So, while everyone is preparing for Adam and Adora’s birthday, Orko manages to accidentally travel out of Eternia and finds himself on Earth. As you do. There he meets two small children who teach him about Christmas rather than asking questions like “Who are you?” “Where did you come from?” and “Why don’t you have a face?”. He-Man and She-Ra manage to transport Orko back but inadvertently bring the kids along as well. Meanwhile, Skeletor and Hordak are told by some guy called Horde Prime to capture the children in order to stop the “spirit of Christmas” from entering Eternia. I swear I’m not making this up.
So after the kids sing a brain haemorrhage inducing Christmas song, they are kidnapped. Luckily, they are rescued by a bunch of character, obviously meant to sell a new line of toys, called the Manchines. I really do wish I was making this up. But after that they are kidnapped AGAIN by Skeletor and… can I just sum up now? Skeletor gets the Christmas spirit, helps the kids, He-Man and She-Ra rescue them, send them home and they all celebrate Christmas with Adam dressed as Santa, hoo-bloody-ray! You want some 80’s cheese with a Christmas theme? This is for you. I hope you’ll be happy together.
7. DCU Holiday Bash #2: Present Tense
This next one is only a single story from this issue. Not even a long one, it’s two pages. Why does this make the list then? Well gather round kiddiewinks, you’re going to want to hear this!
The story, written and drawn by Ty Templeton, was printed in a comic DC published called DCU Holiday Bash #2, a compilation of short stories about DC characters in various holiday scenarios. Our story takes place in the realm called Apokolips. The villain known as Darkseid is told by a minion that somebody has penetrated the defence perimeter. Darkseid seems rather perturbed by this, as demonstrated by nearly incinerating the unfortunate lackey. More minions inform him of the mysterious figure having breached further defences. Suddenly, they find the person has made his way into the very room! And who exactly was this incredible figure? Superman? Batman? Arm Fall Off Boy? No, it’s Santa Claus! Wait, what?
Yep, ol’ St. Nick has visited Darkseid. For what purpose? To give him a lump of coal. I’m sorry, did you not hear that? I said: TO GIVE HIM A LUMP OF COAL! And he gets away with it! He hands him the coal, legs it and escapes on his sleigh. Damn! Santa’s got balls! For sheer absurdity, if nothing else, I recommend you check this story out.
6. X-Men: Have Yourself a Morlock Little X-Mas
Na na na na noo-noo, na na na noo-noo, na na na na noo-noo… noo-noo. Get it? It’s the X-Men theme. *Ahem*. Laugh, damn it!
So, I loved the X-Men cartoon growing up. It was like the Spider-Man cartoon only without the ridiculous censorship. But looking back on it… it may not have been as good as I thought it was. Mainly because at times it’s SO CORNY! My word, the dialogue alone in this episode was so clichéd and so lacking in subtlety I felt like the show was whacking me over the head with a big ear of corn!
But anyway, it’s Christmas Eve at the X-Mansion, and Jubilee is looking forward to her first Christmas with the X-Men, but Wolverine is not so jolly. So she and Storm take him shopping to try and get him in the holiday mood. But disaster strikes when they run into some Morlocks and discover that Leech is sick! Oh no! They go to the sewers to try and help him but it seems like only a blood transfusion from Wolverine will work, and even then it’s doubtful he will survive. And it’s at this point the episode manages to be simultaneously bad and good. On the one hand you’ve got Wolverine struggling to cope with the pressure of being the only one who can save Leech when he’s not even sure he can. That’s good! But on the other you’ve got Jubilee crying in the corner hugging a pwecious ittle Morlock girl with eyes as big as dinner plates full of hope. That’s cheesy and corny.
Throw in Jean Grey and Gambit arguing over how to cook Christmas dinner and we’ve got a strange mix for a Christmas episode. One that’s ruining my memories of the show to boot. OW! Right in the childhood!
5. The Mask (The Animated Series) : Santa Mask
Yeah… The Mask had an animated television series. Makes sense, I guess. Maybe. So as you might have guessed I’m not very familiar with this series. I loved the Jim Carrey film but I’d never watched the show. And was this episode as weird as you’d expect? No. It’s WEIRDER! This was like I dropped bad acid while watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Even that doesn’t do it justice! You want to know why? Let’s look at how this Christmas episode starts.
So Stanley Ipkiss is stood outside the bank where he works dressed as Santa to get more customers when… you ready? Okay, here we go. At the bank across the street some guy who looks like the Hulk when he was grey is also dressed as Santa. He tries to rob said bank but two guys also dressed as Santa, one of whom sounds like Michelangelo from TMNT, the other of whom is a fish, tell him that they’d planned to rob the bank too. Grey Hulk Santa throws Fish Santa into the mouth of Michelangelo Santa, making him go out the other side of his head. Then some guy who sounds like an evil version of Winnie the Pooh, ALSO dressed as Santa comes up and tells them that HE wanted to rob the bank too! Then Zorro dressed as Santa turns up followed by drunken Christopher Walken dressed as Santa. Then they all, including Stanley, get arrested and thrown in jail where Stanley meets a man claiming to be the real Santa who sounds like Orson Welles and OH GOD WHERE ARE MY MEDS?
You want know the worst part? All that is shown in THREE MINUTES! OF A TWENTY MINUTE EPISODE! *Sobs uncontrollably* I can’t take it! On to the next one before I lose what’s left of my sanity!
4. Lois and Clark: Twas the night before Mxymas
Damn it! I’ve already done Batman, do I have to do Superman too? Ugh. Fine. Let’s get this over with. At least this one’s live action. How bad could it be? I wonder who wrote it? Let’s see… Tim Minear. Wait, the same Tim Minear who worked on Angel, Firefly, Dollhouse, The X-Files and Drive? Things are looking up!
So it’s Christmas in Metropolis and whilst Clark is full of yuletide cheer, Lois is not really feeling it. But then Howie Mandel appears as Mr Mxyzptlk, and he is determined to rule the world. The only person who can stop him is Superman so he decides that, as Superman is a symbol of hope, to remove hope from the world. And how does he do that? He casts Ben Affleck as Batman. Nah, just kidding. Can you imagine? No, he sets time on a loop. At four o’ clock, time rewinds to noon. And once time resets, nobody remembers what happened. Except Clark. But how would that get rid of hope, you ask. Well, each time the clock goes back, the citizens of Metropolis lose a bit more hope. Ma and Pa Kent lose faith in their farm, Jimmy Olsen’s girlfriend slowly becomes a hooker, Perry White becomes more depressed over his kids, Lois’s mother turns into an alcoholic and, to top it all off, peace talks break down and it looks like war might erupt.
So it’s up to Superman to restore hope to everyone, banish Mr Mxyzptlk back to the 5th dimension and save Christmas. Geez. That’s a Christmas they’ll remember!
3. The Seal Men’s War On Santa Claus
Okay, enough with the television specials. Let’s have a look see at a comic instead. What do we have here? An old issue of classic Jack Kirby creation, The Sandman. I say classic… more like a classic misprint. DC only ran the series for six issues. And this story comes from the never printed issue number seven. So this is a story so bad that it never saw the light of day? Oh, joy of joys.
And I can see why. This story is strange beyond belief. A young boy named Jed lives on a farm and is tasked with going to a local millionaire to ask for a donation to some kind of Christmas fund. Ooooookay. He goes and visits the millionaire who tells him that if he can prove that Santa Claus exists, he will give him a million dollars, much to the annoyance of his gold digging nephew. But Jed simply goes outside and blows a whistle which summons the Sandman, master of dreams, who promises to take him to Santa’s workshop. But the millionaire’s nephew follows them, as he plans to stop them from finding Santa so that he can have all of his uncle’s money when he dies.
What follows is a bizarre journey into what I can only assume is a story that was inspired by a bad drug trip. We get carnivorous plants, a wizard that the Sandman supposedly saved from aliens, killer elves, two monsters called Brute and Glob and of course, the Seal Men, who have kidnapped Santa because… he accidentally delivered the wrong presents to them. I kid you not. The Seal Men started a WAR with Santa because he delivered the wrong presents to them. I… I can’t. I just can’t. This is too… can we move on?
2. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: Alpha’s Magical Christmas
OH NO! Not Alpha! Not the most annoying character in children’s television! Anything but that! OH SWEET FATHER CHRISTMAS ON A POGO STICK, NOT THAT!
Let’s just get this over with. It’s Christmas in Angel Grove and at the Command Centre Zordon is consoling Alpha who isn’t in a very Christmassy mood. Is it a rule of these Christmas stories that one character has to be very happy about Christmas and another doesn’t? Anyway, Alpha does want to celebrate Christmas… despite being an alien robot, but feels it’s not the same without the Power Rangers who are off helping Santa get ready for Christmas. Really? The Power Rangers have nothing better to do than help Santa, who presumably has an army of elves to help him? No giant monsters attacking their high school at all?
So, in order to cheer Alpha up, Zordon makes him push a button that… makes a Christmas tree appear out of nowhere. Well, that’s handy! And then something odd happens. And bear in mind this is a story about a robot and a floating head celebrating Christmas, that’s how odd this next thing is. Out of nowhere, the song “Oh, Christmas Tree” plays and we see a montage of various Christmassy images. And that’s all this is. A series of Christmas song introduced out of nowhere and with little context, interwoven with Alpha doing stuff. And it’s all AWFUL! Not even a later appearance by the Rangers saves this. Not even Amy Jo Johnson, in all her gorgeousness saves this! FLEE! ABANDON SHIP! WOMEN AND PEOPLE CALLED SCOTT FIRST!
1. Lobo’s Paramilitary Christmas Special
Okay. We’re nearly done. This marathon of Christmas weirdness is almost over. What’s the last thing left? “Lobo’s Paramilitary Christmas Special“? Oh, this is going to hurt!
For those of you who are lucky enough to not know what this is, it’s a thirteen minute short film done by a student program of the American Film Institute in 2002. It was filmed on a budget of $2,400 and stars Andrew Bryniarski, best known for portraying Leatherface in the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. And how does this film start? Let’s just say I’ve never seen the beginning of a film go from awesome to stupid so quickly. Rock music starts to play as Lobo, interstellar bounty hunter, saunters into a bar, breaks a guys neck and threatens the barman. That was awesome. He then goes into a back room and meets… the Easter Bunny. I’m not kidding. I wish I was. And what does the Easter Bunny want? For Lobo to kill Santa Claus. Am I high? I must be. That’s the only explanation that makes any sense.
So Lobo goes to the North Pole and proceeds to slaughter the elves. I’m not kidding, it’s BRUTAL! It’s like The Terminator meets Santa Claus: The Movie! There’s screaming and blood and bone crunching and… oh, the humanity! Lobo eventually makes it to Santa, who reveals a captured Easter Bunny, who begs Lobo to free him, saying “He neutered me!”. Santa makes a peace offering to Lobo in the form of a Christmas present he asked for when he was a child, but never got because he was always on the naughty list. Lobo opens it and finds a snowglobe. While he is distracted, Santa pulls a gun on him. But Lobo shoots him, making Santa, a beloved holiday icon, say “Naughty bastard” before he dies. The Easter Bunny is jubilant, right before Lobo shoots him, as apparently he “Always did hate the holidays”. And as the film ends, so does the last shred of my childhood innocence.
Is that it? Is… is it finally over? OH THANK HEAVEN! The Christmas weirdness is finished! And what have we learned after all that? That Christmas always leads to insanity! Forget being ambivalent to Christmas, I’m becoming a straight up Grinch. Anything to escape the madness! In fact, this makes me think of a song with awkwardly altered lyrics. Sing along!
You’re a mean one, Mr. Scott.
You don’t give a damn.
You can rant on for hours,
You really hate Batman, Mr. Scott.
You’re an insane fanboy and your… career is a shaaaaaaaam.
What do YOU think of these stories? What’s YOUR favourite superhero Christmas story? Let us know in the comments or on Twittter. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to paint my face green and see a man about a rocket powered sleigh ! MWA HA HA HA!
