Okay, there have been more than a few weird comic characters that have made an appearance on the silver screen over the years. Howard the Duck… actually I could stop right there if I wanted to. How the hell was that greenlit? But still, there are plenty of other characters that nobody in their right mind would put on film, right? Right? *Laughs Nervously* Right? Seriously, not a rhetorical question, guys. I’d like actual confirmation, simply for my own piece of mind.
So, maybe if we put a few of these characters on a list then Hollywood will probably get the message and leave them well enough alone. Let’s hope so. We really can’t put anything past those lunatics. Here’s the top 10 characters we will probably never see on film.
DISCLAIMER! Seriously? You need me to spell this out for you again? Alright fine. This list is my own personal opinion and done in no particular order. You may have other ideas about who should be on this list but frankly I think I’ve got them all. Really. I mean, these guys… these are some doozies!
10. Starfox
No, not THAT one. There have been far too many anthropomorphic animals in films already. Although we’ve never seen them in space ships… at least until Guardians of the Galaxy comes out. No, this is the member of the Eternals of Titan, also known as Eros. Want to know what his power is? Sex. Sort of. Basically, he can manipulate the emotions of others by mentally controlling the pleasure centres of a persons brain, essentially making them fall in love with anyone or anything he wants. Guess how he likes to use this power?
So, yeah. As powers go, his is probably the creepiest. Didn’t stop him from being an Avenger though. During which time he… slept with She-Hulk. Huh. He was even put on trial at one point for sexual assault. And his lawyer was Jennifer Walters, a.k.a.: She-Hulk. No prize to the first person who deduces what they did at one point. If you guessed sex, you guessed wrong! She beat him up after she thought he was tampering with the emotions of the witnesses. Ha. That’ll show him.
With a character so… off putting, there is no chance that we will ever see him on- HIS BROTHER IS THANOS! AHHHHHH!
9. Dazzler
Poor Dazzler. I think that sometimes she gets a bit of a bum rap. I mean, sure she was only created because of the disco craze. Sure, she was the product of a promotional tie in with a now defunct record company. Sure she was designed entirely by a committee with little to no creative idea other than “disco super hero”. But I still think that… wait, where was I gong with this?
Actually, this character has nearly made it to the big screen several times. She was rumoured to make a cameo appearance in X-Men: The Last Stand, she was announced as one of many character being considered for development in 2009, her name appears on the list Mystique finds in X2: X-Men United and at one point there was nearly a Dazzler film in the works in the 80’s. I’m not kidding! They had a script writer ready and everything. Bo Derek was going to be Dazzler, can you imagine? Thankfully, the project fell through. That was a close one!
Now, I’ve read a few Dazzler comics (a fact I refuse to have any shame about), and the character herself really isn’t all that bad. But her concept and creation are just too… too disco for want of a better word.
8. Rom Spaceknight
From a deal with a record company to a deal with a toy company (sort of), Rom Spaceknight was originally a very, very cheap action figure made by Parker Brothers, who are best known for board games such as “Monopoly”, “Cluedo” and the number one cause of domestic fights everywhere, “Sorry!”. In order to get more people interested in the toy, Parker Brothers licenced the character to Marvel who subsequently created a comic book based on it. Ironically, the comic outlasted the toy, with 75 issues being printed between 1979 and 1986.
One of the most confusing things about Rom is this. Most people think he’s a robot. Turns out, he’s not. I know, I was confused too. He’s actually a cyborg. Yep. There’s a guy under all that armour. What does he do? Well, he used to be a Spaceknight, a group of cyborg warriors dedicated to stopping these magic aliens called Dire Wraiths. I say used to. Thing is, Marvel no longer possess the licencing rights to Rom. So the character cannot appear in any of their comics in his armour.
So chances are, we won’t be seeing him in any of Marvel’s films any time s… wait a minute! Parker Brothers is a subsidiary of Hasbro! And Hasbro made all the Transformers films, the G.I. Joe films and Battleship! We’re in trouble people! There’s no telling what they’ll do!
7. Hypno-Hustler
Oh, good! Another reject form the era of disco! This will be fun, he said through gritted teeth.
So, with all the Spider-Man villains that have either been used or will be used in the upcoming films, I can’t help but wonder if they’re going to eventually run out of good villains. That said, even if they do, I doubt the powers that be in Hollywood would go this low. At least I hope they don’t. Despite being essentially a Z list member of Spider-Man’s rogues gallery, Hypno-Hustler has gained a certain amount of infamy over the years due to… well, LOOK AT HIM! How could anybody take this guy seriously?
First appearing in The Spectacular Spider-Man #24 in 1978, Hypno-Hustler tried to rob a nightclub using his hypnotic powers. Of course he was foiled by Spider-Man. Obviously. Aquaman could beat this guy. Spider Plant-Man could beat this guy. HOWARD THE DUCK COULD BEAT THIS GUY! Oh yeah, I went there! Possibly, Hypno-Hustler (God, I feel lame just typing his name!) has picked up on that as at one point he attended a meeting of Vil-Anon, a twelve step program to help super villains become law abiding citizens. I just hope he had a good sponsor, I’d hate for him to relapse.
6. The Legion of Superpets
Even the name… even the name sounds ridiculous and brain meltingly bad! This could only be a bunch of incredibly odd DC characters. Specifically, Krypto the Superdog, Streaky the Supercat, Comet the Superhorse and Beppo the Supermonkey. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to go away for a while and have myself a bit of a cry.
BOO-HOO-HOO!
I’m back. Sorry, it’s just… why? Who in their right minds would… they are bloody ANIMALS with little Superman capes and we are supposed to take them seriously? This is part of DC canon? And it’s not like this was way back in the golden age, oh no, this group was formed in 1962.The same year in which Marvel created The Incredible Hulk, Doctor Doom, Thor and Spider-Man. Marvel was coming up with new and exciting character, DC had the Superpets. Marvel was looking into different and unique ways of storytelling, DC had the Superpets. Marvel was revolutionising the comics industry, DC had the bloody Superpets.
In my mind, the Superpets represent everything that is wrong with DC comics. I hope they will NEVER appear on film. Frankly, I think that comic book fans deserve more than that.
5. Guardian
Oh, Canada. You really don’t have it easy, do you? You gave the world Jim Carrey, Ryan Gosling and Leslie Neilson, yet all people talk about is Justin Beiber. You have some of the cleanest cities in the world, yet all people focus on is how polite you all supposedly are. Wolverine, one of the coolest super heroes in living memory, is in fact Canadian, yet all people remember about you is this guy. The Canadian version of Captain America. On behalf of the rest of the world… we’re sorry. It’s bad enough that you’re referred to as “America’s Hat”; you don’t deserve this.
The leader of Canadian super hero team Alpha Flight and part of the clandestine government defence organisation Department H, James MacDonald Hudson a.k.a. Guardian was created by comic book legends John Byrne and Chris Claremont. Remember that joke I made about him being the Canadian equivalent of Captain America? Turns out that he was created with that idea in mind. Hence why he’s got the whole Canadian Maple Leaf motif going on.
Actually, this guy has some pretty cool powers. He has increased speed and strength, a force field, energy blasts and can fly. Hot damn! So why will he probably never make it to the big screen? He has a maple leaf on his chest! Nobody can wear that with any kind of dignity. Sorry, Canada.
4. The Wonder Twins
OH COME ON! DC… do you want me to hate you? You must do. Why else would you throw all these stupid characters at me?
For those of you blessed with not knowing who these characters are, they were created for the laughably stupid cartoon series Super Friends. That’s right, the Wonder Twins are one of those characters that were made for a television series and later incorporated into a comic canon. And what is possibly the worst thing about them in the series? The writers never bothered to give them a backstory. With all the other characters they didn’t really need to because they were already established characters in their own comic books, but the Wonder twins were original characters! We don’t know who they are so you have to explain them! GAH!
Eventually they were given a backstory in the Super Friends comic, but that is no excuse for a sheer lazy introduction. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, they were given a sidekick for no good reason! But not just any sidekick, a space monkey named Gleek. Okay, two things. Firstly, what is DC’s obsession with animal versions of superheroes? Secondly… why? Why did they need a monkey sidekick? Weren’t they already sort of the sidekicks of the Super Friends already? Why did you have to give a sidekick to the sidekicks? Sidekickception!
While the Twins have appeared in live action on Smallville (in a rather lame episode), I’m still praying that they never make it to film. And the (I can only hope) hoax staged by WB last November isn’t helping my blood pressure one bit!
3. Matter-Eater Lad
I… I don’t… whaaaaaa? Okay, okay, okay. You know what? I can get past the fact that his super power is the ability to eat all forms of matter. I can get past the fact that this is an incredibly lame reason for a character. I can get past the fact that, in the 60’s, DC must have been run by creatively bankrupt nut jobs! But the one thing I CANNOT ABIDE is this… “Matter Eater Lad”? That’s his name? You couldn’t spend another three minutes trying just a fraction harder to come up with a better name? You went with the name that sounds more like a parody of a super hero than an actual super hero. I may hate the Wonder Twins, but at least they have a decent name!
So, what is this guy’s story? Well, he’s an alien from a planet where all food was made inedible. So they developed the ability to eat all forms of matter as a survival reflex. Yeah… I’m pretty sure Darwin would fall out of his chair laughing if you told him that one. This character is so bad, that during his early stories with “The Legion of Superheroes”, the writers would often write him out of the story as they couldn’t come up with a way to make his power useful in a fight. Wait… what? This is a guy who can literally eat ANYTHING and you can’t think of a way this could be useful? Idiots!
2. Arm-Fall-Off-Boy
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I- HA HA HA HA HA! Oh boy. Oh man. I can’t breathe! Ohhhhh. I needed that. That cheered me right up.
So, yeah. This is another stupid DC character. But whilst the others at least had the excuse of being created in or before the 60’s, this guy was created in 1989! You heard right people, 1989. Do I even NEED to explain why this character will never appear in cinemas? DC haven’t even made a Flash film yet. No way are they ever going to put this guy on the silver screen. Ever. EVER!
But do you know what the sad thing about his is? I can’t tell whether this character is a joke or not. When I first heard this I thought: “Really? Come on. Not even DC would make this character anything other than an intentionally funny joke character”. And at first it seems like he was meant to be just that. But later it seems like he’s a semi serious character. He saves a bunch of other heroes at one point and nearly makes it into the Legion of Superheroes. DC… you can’t have it both ways. Either he’s a joke or he’s a serious character. PICK ONE!
1. All of the Great Lakes Avengers
Yeah, I know it’s a cop out but I couldn’t pick any individual one of these losers! I had to lump them all together. This is the weirdest collection of Z grade superheroes come together in all of comics.
Who have we got? Let’s see… first there’s the leader of the team, Mr. Immortal. His power is the ability to transform into any kind of root vegetable he wants. Nah, just kidding. Obviously he’s immortal. Literally. Nothing can kill him. Nothing will ever kill him. He will live until the Universe ends and possibly beyond. You can see how that wouldn’t work in a film. Dramatic tension due to danger? What’s that?
Dinah Soar is… well a humanoid dinosaur creature. Sort of. Do you get it? Her name is Dinah Soar… and she’s a dinosaur. DO YOU GET IT? SHE’S A DINOSAUR! AND HER NAME IS DINAH SOAR! LAUGH!
Flatman is… is… you can probably guess what his powers are. These titles leave very little to the imagination. If you’re wondering why he looks so much like Mr Fantastic, please don’t. It’s easier that way.
Big Bertha is a fashion model with the ability to make herself super strong by making herself incredibly fat. She makes herself thin again by vomiting. There’s a role model for all teenage girls out there.
Doorman has the ability to teleport anywhere. So long as it is in the next room. And his body is the portal to and from that room. So he’s basically useless if there is an actual door leading into the room you want.
Then there’s Squirrel Girl. Arguably the only useful member of the team as, despite having a squirrel motif and the ability to communicate with squirrels, she has surprisingly taken down a lot of super villains in her time. Including Doctor Doom. Still… she has a squirrel tail. I just don’t see that happening in a movie.
But what do YOU think? Which characters do you think we will never see on film? Have we left them off this list? Are we alone in the Universe? Please answer all these questions in the comments below! Especially that last one, I’m dying to know.
