Whether or not you’ve ever read a comic in your life, we are all fans of superheroes like Spider-Man, Black Panther, Catwoman and Bat… okay, I personally have no time for the dour Caped Crusader, but I’m reliably informed that others like him for some reason. But are you noticing a trend here?..
Animals!
There are a bajillion-plus superheroes and villains based around animals. Some have powers like them, others merely emulate their style. But every once in a while, we find a downright bizarre superhero who has chosen the ODDEST animal to imitate. And we’re here to pay tribute to them! Let’s take a gander (geddit?) at a few of the strangest animal-themed pack.
DISCLAIMER ALERT! DISCLAIMER ALERT! The following is my own personal opinion. If you have a different opinion… that’s okay. I respect you and your opinion. No, really. I’m totally okay with you not agreeing with me. Life is too short for people to bicker about differing- PSYCH!
6. Quailman
We’ve all imagined ourselves as superheroes, haven’t we? I personally pictured myself as Berry-Man, the superhero with the proportionate strength of a berry who can throw berries with unerring accuracy. But that’s probably just me.
Possibly the only person whose superhero fantasies are just as lame is Doug Funnie, from the cartoon series Doug, who always imagined himself as the superhero Quailman. Yeah… of all the birds in all the animal kingdom, this kid wanted to be a quail. Thing is though, he never actually became his alter-ego: Quailman was always imaginary. At least I tried to make a Berry-Man costume. But the less said about that the better.
What’s even weirder is that Doug didn’t even imagine himself in a proper costume. The imaginary costume looked like he’d made it himself. Badly. He actually wore his underpants on the outside! Kid… it’s your imagination! Use it! Having said that, this might have been because Quailman was a parody of superheroes, so maybe this was all intentional. Nevertheless, it was a weird idea for a weird superhero. A quail… really? I mean, it’s no Berry Man. And done.
5. The Armadillo
Whilst technically a super villain, The Armadillo deserves a mention in this list for two reasons. Number one, he was part of the fifty-state initiative in Marvel comics, following the Civil War story, making him briefly a super hero. Number two… HE’S A BLOODY ARMADILLO! What more do you need?
This character isn’t just ridiculous though. Oh, no. He’s ridiculous… on PURPOSE. His creator, Mark Gruenwald, said that the Armadillo “is just a silly monster I wanted to throw in as kind of a joke…”. And, you know what, it’s actually a fairly amusing one! First appearing in Captain America #308, the story goes that Antonio Rodriguez was given superhero strength and durability by Dr. Karl Malus. The experiment bonded Antonio to the costume he was wearing, making him look like an over-sized armadillo. Ever since then he’s been trying to steal enough money to be able to get out of his costume and get back to a normal life. Hey, wait, that’s not funny! That’s tragic and endearing! How dare you ruin a hilarious character by making him sympathetic! What’s that? He later joined the Unlimited Class Wresting Federation and became a super-powered wrestler? Oh, good. He’s funny again.
4. The Pumaman
This low-budget Italian produced film was cited by one of the stars of the film, Donald Pleasance, as the worst film he has ever been in. Given his appearance in both Halloween 4 and 5, this should be a pretty good indicator as to how bad it is.
Basically, the idea is that Donald Pleasance, a.k.a. Dr Kobras, finds an Aztec mask that allows him to control people’s minds, which he plans on using to, what else, take over the world. The only person who can stop him is The Pumaman! A person bestowed with puma-like powers by the gods! Or aliens. Technically both. Or neither. It’s difficult to explain… this film is really, really bad. Eventually, the man who will become the Pumaman is discovered. How? By being thrown him out a window, of course. Ah, the classic superhero origin story. The call to adventure by way of defenestration.
What follows is a sheer car crash of a film that fails at almost every turn. But the crowing peak of awfulness? They shamelessly put the freaking Death Star on the poster for this film. Look it up! There’s no mistaking it. I mean… how dare they? This film came out three years after Star Wars: A New Hope, so there’s no excuse. Shame on them!
3. The Coon
There is an animal that lives by night, searches the trashcans and cleans out the garbage. To clean out the trashcan of society he has chosen to become more than a man. He’s the hero the town of South Park needs. He is… The Coon! Actually, he’s Eric Cartman in a racoon mask. And South Park doesn’t really need him. He’s not even a hero, just a brat who loves the spotlight.
I’ve always been a fan of Trey Parker and Matt Stone‘s unique brand of satire, and it really shines in what is essentially a parody of super heroes, especially Watchmen, The Spirit and that guy who dresses up as a flying rodent. You know… whatshisface. Anyway, The Coon merely thinks he is the saviour of the people of South Park. In reality, he’s an egotistical glory hog who is only being a superhero for the attention in brings, going so far as to ally himself with Cthulhu, of all people, to rid the world of hippies, the city of San Francisco and Justin Bieber. Actually, that last one…
2. The Tick
This next one is yet another parody of superheroes that nevertheless ended up being named the 187th greatest comic book character of all time by Wizard Magazine and the 57th greatest comic book character of all time by IGN. High praise indeed. With superhuman strength, durability, and the unique ability called drama power (the ability to make any situation more dramatic), The Tick is a dim-witted protector of the innocent, protecting the inhabitants of a city called… The City.
Originally created as a mascot for a comic book shop, The Tick expanded into a comic book series and later a cartoon series and later a live action series starring Patrick Warburton. And how did his very first story kick off? With him escaping a mental institution of course! Apparently, The Tick has no memory of his life beyond being a superhero due to repeated blows to the head. He doesn’t even have a secret identity. That’s cool.
With The Tick frequently coming across other parodies of superheroes and always charging into battle with his signature battle cry (“Spooooooooooon!”), this makes for a delightfully absurd superhero.
1. Squirrel Girl
You think I’m going to make a joke here, don’t you? You think I’m going to do what everybody else does and make fun of her. Well, I’m not. Do you want to know why? Because. YOU… DON’T… F**K… WITH… SQUIRREL GIRL! You’d think that with the ability to communicate with squirrels she wouldn’t be too much of a problem for any super villain, wouldn’t you? Wrong! She has gone up against such people as Deadpool, MODOK, Wolverine, Thanos and Doctor Doom and come out standing. More than standing, she kicked their arses! She is NOT to be messed with.
Created by writer Will Murray and a legend among artists, Steve Ditko, she is a member of the Great Lakes Avengers, a superhero team known for having heroes with bizarre powers, Squirrel Girl’s first appearance was when she saved Iron Man from Doctor Doom with her squirrel army. How humiliating for him. More recently, she moved to New York to become the super powered nanny for Jessica Jones and Luke Cage’s daughter. Wow.
I think it’s safe to say that, despite all appearances, Squirrel Girl has somehow endeared herself to the superhero community. She is the weirdest, most bizarre animal themed superhero… and she is a complete and utter bad-ass!
But what do YOU think? Have we left anybody off this list? Are there even weirder animal themed superheroes out there? Are penguins secretly plotting to overthrow humanity? That last one is just a little theory of mine. Why not let us know in the comments?
