Ah, love. L’Amour…. Amore… Leibe (hey, Germans can love too!). There have been some great superhero romances over the years. Spider-Man and Mary Jane, Superman and Lois Lane, Daredevil and Elektra, Mr Fantastic and The Invisible Woman, and of course, Batman and Robin. But once in a while we see a relationship in a comic that makes us stop for a minute and seriously question what we know about love.
I’m serious. There are some really weird romances floating around out there. And seeing as how this is the month in which some Roman guy died on the 14th who we all associate with love for some reason, I think it would be a good idea to look at some of the strangest superhero relationships that the comics industry has to offer. At the very least, it will make all of your relationships seem functional by comparison. You’re welcome!
10. Beast/Abigail brand
Awwww. Say what you like about these two, I’m glad they got together. Poor Hank McCoy hasn’t had a great track record with the ladies since he became hairier than Robin Williams after his waxer quit. But he managed to find love in the most unlikely of places… on an alien planet that was about to be destroyed with a half alien super spy with green hair in charge of running the space equivalent of S.H.I.E.L.D. It’s the classic story of boy meets girl, boy dislikes girl due to her being just a bit ruthless in protecting the world from aliens, girl tells boy that she has the hots for him, boy remembers that he’s blue and should take whatever he can get.
Seriously though, these two are surprisingly good together. Beast providing much needed emotional support for the socially challenged Brand and her providing… did I mention she has the hots for him? Fill in the blanks. All things considered, blue fur and green hair seem to go together. They should make a song about that.
9. Hawkman/HawkGirl
Some say that true love is forever. With these two, that seems to definitely be the case. Born in ancient Egypt as Prince Khufu and Chay-Ara, theirs was a love that seemed like it would last. That is, until they were both violently killed. Darn. Not to worry though, for both of them were reincarnated. Repeatedly. Yeah… it turns out that they are destined to be reincarnated over and over again throughout time. Sounds good right? WRONG! They are reincarnated with no memories of their previous lives, are drawn together over the course of their lives, fall in love, fight for justice and honour, only too be killed so the cycle can begin all over again. Talk about being in a committed relationship. It is literally impossible for them not to become some kind of hero and fall in love.
They were most recently reincarnated as Carter and Shiera Hall, a.k.a. Hawkman and Hawkgirl. Luckily though, Carter managed to cheat the cycle of death and rebirth, staying alive longer than his previous lives. Unluckily, Shiera didn’t. Aw. I guess that’s the end of that relationship, right? Again, WRONG! Shiera’s soul ended up mingling with that of her grandniece, Kendra Saunders. What does this mean? That Kendra is destined to fall in love with Carter. Confused? You’re not the only one
8. Moondragon/Quasar
This couple proves beyond all doubt that it’s what’s on the inside that counts. But who are these two? Moondragon is the daughter of Drax the Destoyer. She was raised on Titan where she developed her mental powers. However, she encountered a powerful entity called the dragon of the moon. Although she resisted it’s power, much like the Phoenix force, it still dwells inside her. Pay attention to that last part, it’s important.
Phyla-Vell is the daughter of Mar-Vell a.k.a. Captain Marvel. Phyla took that title for a while before taking possession of the quantum bands, becoming the second Quasar. Shortly before that, her and Moondragon became a couple, all while the Annihilation War was going on. And things looked to be going well for them. But it was after the Annihilation Wave and the Phalanx tried to invade that things took a turn for the weird. Long story short, because of the dragon of the moon, Moondragon turned into a fluffy bunny. Just kidding, obviously she turned into a HUGE MOTHERF***ING DRAGON! HOLY CRAP! But funnily, enough, Phyla didn’t care much. They could still talk via telepathy, so as far as she was concerned, she was still the same person. Good for you, Phyla! Just one question. How do you two… on second thought, I don’t want to know.
7. Cyclops/Madelyne Pryor
Cyclops just cannot catch a break can he? First he loses his parents, then he gets separated from his brother, then he has killer laser beams coming out of his eyes, then his girlfriend Jean Grey dies, then she dies AGAIN, and then this whole mess! So after Jean died the second time, Cyclops was visiting his grandparents in Alaska when a met a woman who was the spitting image of Jean. Intriguing. And it turns out that she was the only survivor of a plane crash that happened on the day Jean died. Intriguing-er. And then it turns out that Professor X cannot read her mind! Even more intriguing-er.
So she’s Jean, right? Wrong. She’s a completely different person and all those other things were just coincidences. So they eventually married, had a child that would grow up to become Cable, went through a whole bunch of stuff together, only to discover that she was a clone of Jean Grey created by Mr Sinister all along. I’m sorry, what? And then she became a villain. I’m sorry, what? And then she died. I’m sorry… WHAT? Man… Cyclops really cannot catch a break.
6. Swamp Thing/Abigail Arcane
She’s a psychic with white hair. He’s a swamp monster made out of plant matter. And she’s the niece of his arch nemesis. And they got married by getting high, eating a hallucinogenic potato. And they conceived a child by Swamp Thing possessing the body of John Constantine in order to have sex with each other. Do… do I even need to elaborate any further? I could say nothing else that would top that. I… sweet tap-dancing Christ on a pogo stick! What more do I need to say? Oh, right. their daughter is part demon. Comics are weird.
5. Mr. Immortal/Dinah Soar
Her name’s Dinah Soar. And she’s a dinosaur. Geddit? She’s a- okay, I already did that joke once, I know. Sorry. But as odd couples go, these two are one of the oddest. Dinah is a mutant/possible alien from the Savage Land who joined the Great Lakes Avengers, which Mr. Immortal founded. Not much about her is known seeing as how she cannot speak English. That’s right. She has her own language which nobody can understand. That is, nobody except for Mr. Immortal. Pay attention now, because this is where it gets interesting.
Mr. Immortal is unable to die. Sort of. He can be killed, but almost immediately comes back to life. He’s kind of like Captain Jack Harkness like that. And when he does come back to life he is, understandably considering he just died, consumed by intense rage. And funnily enough, only Dinah’s voce could bring him out of that state. It was later revealed that Dinah herself had a certain longevity to her. After that, they realised that they were soul mates. Aw. Isn’t that nice. And then she was killed by the super villain Maelstrom. Guess Cyclops isn’t the only one who can’t catch a break.
4. Green Lantern/Arisia
Ew. Ew. Ew ew ew ew ew EW! This one is… it’s just creepy. Plain and simple. What’s the story? Well, Arisia is a thirteen year old recruit in the Green Lantern Corp who develops a crush on Hal Jordan. See, now that’s already creepy! But it only get’s worse. Hal only sees her as a little sister. Even creepier! But then, Arisia openly flirts with him! Oh, god no! Thankfully, Hal turns her down and tells her that she is just too young for him. Thank goodness for that. So I guess that’s the end of that little cul-de-sac of awkwardness, right?
I wish that were so. I really wish that what happened next didn’t happen. But it did. *Sigh*. Here goes nothing. Arisia uses the power of the Green Lantern ring to age herself to Hal’s age. Okay, the creepy-o-meter is at 9 right now. We are dangerously close to Michael Jackson territory, here! So, what does Hal do, upon hearing this disturbing news? Makes out with her and establishes a relationship with her. *BANG*. Oh, no! They broke the creepy-o-meter! I didn’t think that was possible! Fortunately, when Peter David took over writing for GL, he broke them up. And for that, we thank him.
3. Tony Stark/Iron Man Armour
We’ve seen a lot of different relationships so far on this list. But never an abusive relationship. And if you thought that Green Lantern and Arisia’s relationship was disturbing, you’re in for a shock. Iron Man, whilst fighting Whiplash, was struck by lightning. That, combined with a few Ultron AI programs and, get ready for this, Y2K, lead to the Iron Man armour becoming sentient. Yep, the Iron Man armour is alive. You’d think this wouldn’t be such a bad thing, right? Well, at first it wasn’t. The self aware armour was better in a fight and seemed to improve Tony’s life. Then it fell in love with Tony. That awkward feeling you’re experiencing right now? That’s perfectly natural.
The sentient armour desired to be with Tony at all times, something he didn’t take very kindly to. So what did the armour do? It killed Whiplash, stole Tony’s identity, beat Tony in a fight, dropped him off on a desert island and threatened to kill him if he didn’t join with it permanently. So naturally, people weren’t exactly hoping that those two crazy kids would get together in the end. Long story short, Tony has a heart attack and the armour sacrifices itself to save him. Damn Y2K. We were warned something like this could happen!
2. Thanos/Death
Erm….. it’s exactly like it sounds. Yep, Thanos the mad Titan has a crush on Death. I’ll be honest, I’ve seen stranger relationships. See, Thanos is a nihilist and for a time worshipped the physical embodiment of death itself. It wasn’t long after that he fell in love with Death. So what did he do after falling in love with Death? Murder his family! Yeah… Thanos’s relationship with death is pretty much him desperately trying to prove his love for Death by killing as many people as he can. Y’know Thanos, did you even TRY flowers or chocolates? I’m just saying.
His quest to impress Death has lead to Thanos committing unspeakable acts of terror and devastation. He has killed millions of his own people and plenty of others. He even went so far as to kill half the population of the entire universe. And how does Death respond? Cold, silent and disinterested. Geez! What does a genocidal, insane alien have to do to get a girl to notice him? As it turns out… die. At the end of the Annihilation War, after being killed, Thanos is seen in the company of Death. Yet somehow I don’t see them settling down in the ‘burbs and raising a family of grim reapers.
1. Wolverine/Squirrel Girl
No. No. No. No way. Nuh uh. Nope. Nah. Nyet. Nein. I mean… it’s too much. There’s no way. Squirrel Girl… and Wolverine? Squirrel Girl and Wolverine got together? How? How? How does that happen? GAAAAAH! Too… many… jokes! Too many jokes! “I’m the best at what I do. And what I do is girls with big bushy tails”. Fastball special? How about Furball special? Snikt? More like Squirrel-kt! Hugh Jackman? More like Huge Squirrel Action! Bub? More like… more like… okay, I can’t really do anything with that one, but still!
So what is the story behind this one? Well, surprisingly not much is known. All we do know is that Wolvie and Squirrel Girl once had a relationship that went south, as seen when they briefly encounter each other after Squirrel Girl is hired as a nanny for Luke Cage and Jessica Jones’s baby. But this isn’t the most disturbing thing about their relationship. Oh no. Squirrel Girl is a teenager! That’s right! It’s possible she might be above the age of consent, but when you think about how Logan is over a hundred years old… actually I don’t want to think about it.
But what do YOU think of these strange superhero relationships? Are they creepy and weird or do they seem relatively normal compared to your parents relationship? Why not let us know in the comments or on Twitter. All I know is, these people have put me off romance for a long while to come. You hear that ladies? Scott is off the market. And that’s MY decision! I actually like being alone. Yeah! I like coming to an empty house with nobody to talk to. Heh heh… heh. Oh god I’m so alone! *Sobs uncontrollably*
