Y’know, sometimes dating is so hard that it makes you want to give up on romance and just marry your toaster. I mean think about it. Your toaster will always be waiting for you when you get home, will never cheat on you, will never argue with you and will always give you a steady supply of cheese toasties. If that’s not love then what is?
And as it turns out, a lot of people agree with me. Although they took it a step further and fell in love with robots. Fine, but they’ll never know the rapture of being with their toaster! And seeing as how this is the month in which people insist on showing affection to people other than mindless automatons, I have taken it upon myself to show everybody what they’re missing. Prepare to experience severely uncomfortable feelings as we look at the top ten human/robot relationships.
DISCLAIMER! My own opinion… 1, 2, 3… no particular order… 4, 5, 6… you don’t like it then tough toenails… 7, 8, 9. And that’s how you sing the cover-my-own-arse song!
10. Mr Universe/Lenore
DAMN YOU, FOX! DAMN YOU FOR CANCELLING FIREFLY! NAAAAAAARRRGGHHH! Okay, now that’s out of the way, let’s look at these two. Featured in Serenity, the excellent follow up to the equally excellent television series Firefly (Damn you, Fox. Just… damn you), Mr Universe was… actually does anybody know who Mr Universe really was? Some kind of computer hacker, maybe an information hoarder? I dunno. Anyway, Mr Universe, played by David Krumholtz of Harold and Kumar and The Santa Clause fame, is in a committed relationship with his “love-bot” Lenore. Ew.
But despite the disturbing implications of her being called a love-bot, they appear to be serious in their relationship. Well, he’s serious about it. She’s a mindless automaton who can’t even comprehend the meaning of love. Still, apparently It was a very beautiful ceremony. Lenore wrote her own vows and he cried like a baby. A hungry, angry baby. Sadly theirs was a love that would not last due to Mr Universe getting killed later on in the film. Believe me, that’s not the most tragic death I could tell you about. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go cry into my Blue Sun pillow and softly sing “I don’t care, I’m still free. You can’t take the sky from me.” over and over again.
9. Fry/ Lucy Liubot
“Oh dear! She’s stuck in an infinite loop, and he’s an idiot! Well, that’s love for you.”. Yes, nicely put, Professor Farnsworth. Yet another example of a Human and robot paring that just seems a bit disconcerting, Fry of Futurama ends up in a relationship with a robot version of Lucy Liu. A robot that is programmed to love him no less. But let’s face it, even though Fry comes across as, as Bender would put it, “a sicko poivert, I tell ya.”, we’d all do what he did if we could. What? It’s Lucy Liu!
But of course, Fry doesn’t quite grasp the fact that Liubot is only programmed to love him and doesn’t actually feel anything for him. Not even a Reefer Madness parody film can dissuade him from the relationship, despite the fact that the film claims that people dating robots will lead to armageddon due to the fact that “All civilisation was just an effort to impress the opposite sex … and sometimes the same sex “. It takes the head of the real Lucy Liu in a jar explaining things to him to make him realise that dating robots isn’t a good idea. Right before Bender and Lucy Liu hook up right in front of him. Double standards!
Wow. I’ll admit to being quite a lonely guy but Spike… man, have you heard of online dating? So after fighting Buffy for a long time, Spike develops an obsession with her and commissions robot expert and later villain Warren Mears to build him a robotic duplicate of Buffy. To what end? I’ll give you one guess. And while you’re making that guess, I’ll just play some funky 70’s music that you’d find in a porn film. That should give you a clue.
Programmed to be utterly devoted to Spike, Buffybot was ultimately a poor substitute for the real thing in Spike’s eyes. Sure, she was entirely fixated on making him happy, wanted to have endless sex with him and looked and sounded exactly like Sarah Michelle Gellar but… what exactly was wrong with her again? In any case, she was eventually repurposed by Willow to serve as a backup slayer in case Buffy was unavailable. Still, she will always have a special place in our hearts as part of one of the most hilarious relationships in the show.
7. Ianto Jones/Lisa the Cyberwoman
Anybody else miss Torchwood? I miss Torchwood. Anyway, why is it that all the relationships we’ve seen so far have ended badly. You’d think that dating a robot would end happily so long as Skynet isn’t involved. Maybe this one will end well. Excuse me just a sec. *Goes to watch Torchwood series one again*, *comes back*. It didn’t. Damn.
Okay, so technically this isn’t a human/robot pairing. More like a human/cyborg pairing. But I still think that it bears looking at. Basically, Ianto Jones is hiding his half converted Cyberman girlfriend Lisa in the basement of Torchwood Three, unbeknownst to all the other members. He has been trying to reverse the process and turn Lisa 100% human, rather than 50% human and 50% unstoppable killing machine. Ah, the things we do for love. So presumably it all goes according to plan and they ride off into the sunset, happy as Larry? No! Of course not! Lisa escapes and proceeds to nearly kill the entire Torchwood staff, actually succeeding with Jack Harkness… twice (Immortality. Ain’t it grand?). It just goes to show that dating a Doctor Who monster never ends well. I should know. I once had a relationship with a Weeping Angel. Although, I’d hardly call it a relationship. It was one of those “blink and you’ll miss it” flings. Ba-dum-tish.
6. Madison Jeffries/Danger
Right so, before we begin this one, a little backstory. So we all know of the Danger Room, right? The training room of the X-Men that can come up with all kinds of scenarios for them to face. It’s kind of like the Holodeck but it’s used for more practical purposes other than placing the characters in various historical periods in a desperate attempt to make the episode marginally interesting despite the fact that it’s supposed to be a sci-fi show taking place in the far future! Yeah… I don’t really like Star Trek.
Anyway, the Danger Room has alien technology that one day allows it to become sentient. And once it does it tries to kill the X-Men! Oh noes! Eventually it creates a robot body for itself and through various plot developments that I can’t be bothered to go into right now, becomes an ally of the X-Men. It’s at this point that Danger, as it now calls itself, meets Madison Jeffries, a mutant that can manipulate glass, plastic and metal as well as communicate with machines. So of course they hook up. Why the hell not? What? You feel like I should explain more? I can’t be expected to do all the work! Go read a comic book!
5. Super Skrull/Praxagora
Well… Super Skrull found love. Great(!) Good for him(!) Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy(!) Can you tell I’m being sarcastic? IS IT TOO OBVIOUS? For those of you who don’t know, during Marvel’s Annihilation War, Super Skrull ended up in the Negative Zone where he met Praxagora, a living robot. Oh yes. You heard right. Praxagora was a Ataraxian, a race of living machines that were at peace with everything around them. So naturally Annihilus destroyed them all and kept Praxagora prisoner. What did you expect from a guy called Annihilus?
Shortly after meeting, Praxagora fell in love with Super Skrull. I guess she has a thing for green dudes with weird chins. Anyhoo, she nearly sacrificed herself to destroy a machine called the Harvester of Sorrows, but double S wasn’t about to let that happen and died in her place. Don’t worry though folks! This is a comic book. Nobody stays dead for long. They both fought the invading Phalanx and just when all seemed to be going well for the couple, Ultron killed Praxagora. Still, as I said, nobody in comic books stays dead for long. Right? Right? Hello? She’s still dead. Is she staying that way? Hello?
Ugh. DC. Let’s just get this over with. In the Green Lantern Animated series, we were introduced to two new characters. Aya and Razer. Razer is a semi reformed member of the Red Lantern Corps who joins Hal Jordan on his journeys through frontier space, and yes I know he’s technically an alien, not human, but at this stage in the game, does that really matter? Meanwhile, Aya is the computer of the ship they are traveling on. Aya eventually creates a robot body for herself but that’s where things get weird. See, Razer became a Red Lantern after the death of his wife and Aya creates her new robot body in the likeness of said dead wife. Awkwaaaaard.
Understandably, Razer is a mite upset. But over the course of time, he accepts Aya’s new look. And eventually mutual respect leads to romantic interest. As if falling in love with a robot wasn’t bad enough, he fell in love with a robot that looks exactly like his dead wife! Man, Razer has some issues! Things get even weirder as after Razer rejects her, Aya ends up deleting her emotions and takes control of the body of the Anti-Monitor, dedicating herself to destroying all matter in the universe. Geez. Talk about a bad breakup! Don’t worry, Razer. She turns good again. But then she sacrifices herself to save the universe. Oooooh. Sorry Razer.
3. Rick Deckard/Rachael
Before I go into this one, let me make something clear. RICK DECKARD IS BLOODY HUMAN! You want to know why I say that? Because Phillip K. Dick said he’s human, Hampton Fancher (the original screenwriter for Blade Runner) said he’s human and Harrison Ford said he’s human! The only one who said that he’s a replicant is Ridley Scott. And I think that after Prometheus, he’s lost more than a little bit of credibility. Okay? OKAY?!?!? Alright then, moving on.
Rachael is a replicant with the memories of her creator’s niece implanted in her and therefore has no idea that she’s a robot. Rick Deckard is a special agent in the police force who’s only job is to hunt down and “retire” replicants who have gone rogue. Sounds like a match made in heaven, right? After learning of her true nature, Rachael turns to Deckard who, despite being ordered to kill her, falls in love with her and the two of them eventually run off together. And that’s the end of the story. Y’hear me, Ridley? That’s the end. We don’t need a sequel! Heed my words! If you make a sequel, not even a whole pantheon of deities will spare you from my wrath. I HAVE SPOKEN!
2. Scarlet Witch/Vision
It’s funny. With these two, you’d never expect them to be good guys. Scarlet Witch was the daughter of one of the most powerful baddies of the Marvel Universe, Magneto. And Vision an android created by another one of the most powerful baddies of the Marvel Universe, Ultron. Generally, a whole “offspring of doom” vibe going around then. But despite that, they fell in with the Avengers and later fell in love. Awwww. That’s nice. So obviously it all goes horribly wrong, right?
Yep. Shortly after giving birth to twin boys, it turns out that they were never real (It would take too long to explain, trust me) and to cope with the loss her memories of them are erased. This turns out to be a big mistake as Scarlet Witch ends up going cuckoo for cocoa puffs and ends up nearly destroying the Avengers with her powers, killing Ant Man, Hawkeye and her husband in the process. Damn. This lead to the Avengers disbanding, the events of House of M and the Decimation which deprived 90% of all mutants on Earth of their powers. Oh come on! Is there not ONE robot/human romance that ends well?
1. Jeff “Joker” Moreau/EDI
Hell yeah! This is what I’m talking about! A human and robot couple that turns out great. Or badly… depending on how you play the game. Still it CAN turn out well! That’s something at least. So what’s the story with these two? Well, In the Mass Effect video games EDI is an AI on board the space vessel Normandy SR2 who falls in love with the pilot of the ship, nicknamed Joker. She eventually downloads herself into a robot body allowing her to… wait a cotton picking minute! Did DC steal this story for Aya and Razer? They did! The AI of a ship turning into a robot and falling in love with an organic person, gaining sentience and a personality of their own? It’s the exact same story! And DC stole it! How dare they?
Anyway, over the course of the third game, the player can encourage Joker and EDI to get together. This results in the strangest, yet oddly compelling relationship. The player can frequently overhear amusing back and forths between the two that can make them very endearing. Probably because they both share a sense of humour, Joker being all sarcastic and quippy and EDI being a little more into dark humour (“I enjoy the sight of humans on their knees. That was a joke.”). Ultimately, these two have a relationship that is both funny and a joy to behold. Thank god, I don’t think I could have taken another relationship that ended in tragedy.
But what do YOU think about Robot and Human relationships? Have we left any out of this list? Why not let us know in the comments or on Twitter? Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve prepared a lovely candlelit dinner for me and my toaster. Please don’t judge me.