Top 6 Worst Spider-Man Villains

Let’s face it, Spider-Man has a really cool rogues gallery. Perhaps second only to Batman’s adversaries, Spidey’s villains are dangerous, psychotic and inventive. For the most part. Yep. In over fifty years of comics, there’s bound to have been a few blunders here and there. Well, I say blunders. Catastrophic mishaps that could only have been made due to a severe case of mercury poisoning seems more appropriate.

And with the latest Spider-Man film coming out this month, now seems as good a time as any to look at the top six worst chumps that Spidey’s ever bothered to fight.

DISCLAIMER! This list is done in no particular order and is my own personal opinion. If you disagree then we’ll just have to agree to disagree. Although you’d probably disagree with that too you uncooperative jerk, you!  

 

6. Big Wheel

Wow. Okay, the weird thing about this guy, well… one of the weird things about this guy, is the fact that he was created by Marv Wolfman. You heard me. The man who created Blade also created… this guy. Seriously, who would think that this would make a good Spider-Man villain? It looks like it belongs in Wacky Races or something!

So what’s his story? Well, a businessman named Jackson Weele… wait what? Really? His name is Jackson Weele? That’s like calling Catwoman Selina Katz or Captain America Steve Patriot or Professor X Baldy McWheelchair. Put some effort in! Anyway, after being blackmailed by Rocket Racer, another bad Spidey villain who just managed to avoid being on this list by a gnat’s wing, Jackson Badpun goes to the Tinkerer and commissions him to build him a giant mechanical wheel vehicle. As you do. He chases Rocket Racer all over the city until Spider-Man intervenes, resulting in him accidentally plunging into the river, where everyone assumed he died. If only that were true.

You see, after twenty Big Wheel free years, the character reappeared, having joined Vil-Anon (a rehabilitation program for super villains) in the interim. He may have given up crime, but he’ll always have a place in our hearts, that we’d rather he not occupy, as a terrible Spider-Man Villain.

 

5. Kangaroo

Believe it or not, there are actually two versions of this character. There’s the first one, an Australian named Frank Oliver who could jump really high (That’s pretty much it), and the second one, an American named Brian Hibbs who idolised Oliver and created a suit of armour that looked just like a Kangaroo, complete with a tail and a cannon instead of a pouch. I think I know which of these two to focus on!

I mean, what in the name of Paul Hogan does he think he looks like? Well, obliviously a Kangaroo. That’s the whole point of it. It’s still stupid though. Brian purchased the suit after trying to defeat Spider-Man without it, an encounter which ended after Spidey knocked him out with a single punch. And, get this, Brian got the suit from “The Sharper Villain Catalogue”. The fact that such a thing exists explains so much about the Marvel Universe.

His second encounter with the wall crawler went a little bit better. After being punched, but not knocked out, by Spider-Man, he revealed his pouch cannon (I know, I know.) and threatened to use it against him. Spidey simply webbed it up, prompting Kangaroo to fire it anyway. Guess what happened? Yep. It exploded. His crotch actually blew up. That’s just embarrassing. Later, he would go on to join one of the worst Super Villain teams in comic history, the Legion of Losers. We’ll get to them later.

 

4. Gibbon

You can’t help but feel sorry for this guy. Ostracised from the moment he was born due to his mutant powers that granted him enhanced agility, increased strength and a simian like physiology, all Martin Blank ever wanted was to be accepted and loved. Awwww. Having idolised Spider-Man, he approached the wall crawler about the possibility of being his partner. And what did Spidey do upon hearing this endearing proposition? He laughed right in Martin’s little monkey face. You bastard Peter Parker! All he wanted to be was your friend! And you spat in his face. You cold, heartless monster! And what did poor Martin do after being rejected so callously? He swore revenge against Spider-Man and vowed to destroy him. Ummmm. I thought we were supposed to feel bad for this guy? Only, he turned to a life of crime rather quickly. Oh well.

Seriously though, Gibbon has the worst luck of any Spider-Man villain I have ever seen. Nothing ever goes right for him. He was part of the aptly named Legion of Losers (Seriously, we’ll get to that!). At Stilt-Man’s wake, he was poisoned and blown up by the Punisher, having to have his stomach pumped and losing all his hair. He was married to Princess Python who became fed up with him due to his constant losing streak. He’s tried to be a hero and failed. He’s tried to be a criminal and failed. The guy just cannot catch a break. The closest he has come to being a hero is during the Marvel Apes storyline, where he in transported to a dimension where all the superheroes are monkey versions of themselves. All I hope is that he gets a chance to say “You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!”. Hey, we’d all say that if given half the chance.

3. Grizzly

Pfffffffft! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Ohmygod, ohmygod. HA HA HA HA HA! He- he- HA HA HA! He looks like a bear swallowed him and his head got stuck in his mouth! HA HA HA HA HA! Ohhhhh. Oh wow. Grizzly was a former wrestler that lost his job after J. Jonah Jameson wrote a disparaging article against him, prompting a rampage through the Daily Bugle in an attempt for revenge. Of course he was defeated by Spider-Man (Really, are you surprised?). He tried to beat the wall crawler several times afterwards but was always beaten, which lead to him joining the Legion of Losers. And yes it’s finally time to look at these chumps.

The Legion of Losers was an alliance between Grizzly, Gibbon, Kangaroo and Spot, all of whom had been ridiculed by Spider-Man and all of whom desired revenge. Who is the Spot who ask? Spot was another villain that Spidey routinely beat that looked like a human Dalmatian who could create small portals around him. Yeah, he was an utterly ridiculous bad guy but he avoided this list due to the fact that, despite his appearance, his powers made him a tangible threat. He has, on occasion, been able to beat Spider-Man. But anyway, the Legion of Losers set out to beat Spider-Man, but Grizzly and Gibbon began to have doubts after Spot and Kangaroo robbed a bank.

Eventually, realising that their comrades had gone out of control, Grizzly and Gibbon teamed up with Spidey to take down Spot and Kangaroo. These guys are so bad at being villains they can’t even stick to breaking the law! Grizzly himself has since been on both sides of the law, but one thing remains certain… he looks so stupid! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

 

2. Typeface

Uhhhhhh. No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No WAY would anyone look at this guy and go, “yep, this guy’s a great idea for a villain”. I mean look at him! He uses the alphabet as weapons! It’s like if one of the Sesame Street muppets went on a rampage. You just can’t take it seriously. In fact, no, you know what? This is like one of those early Batman villain that nobody remembers because they are so stupid due to the writers putting absolutely zero effort into them. In fact, again no! This is like those Batman villain that nobody remembers because they are so stupid due to the writers putting absolutely zero effort into them… from the 60’s tv show! Oh yeah! I went there!

So what exactly compels this guy to use letter based weapons and draw on himself like a five year old? Well, apparently he fought for the US Army before his brother was killed in action. Upon leaving the army, he arrived home only for his wife to leave him and take their son with her. Shortly after he became a signsmith, whereupon the company he worked for was bought by a man named George Finch and he was laid off. Y’know what? I think that this guy might just upstage Gibbon as the saddest sad sack out of all of Spidey’s villains. Sorry Gibbon.

He seeks revenge against Finch, becoming Typeface, only to be stopped by Spider-Man. He has since become more of an anti-hero, but that doesn’t chance the fact that he looks… I mean stupid doesn’t even begin to cover it.

 

1. The Walrus

Insert an “I am the Walrus” joke here and moving on. If you thought that Grizzly was stupid looking… you were right, but this guy is worse. I mean, where to begin? First his costume. Do I even need to tell you what’s wrong with it? I could just point to the rainbow patterned “W” on his chest and say “case closed”! Then there’s his powers! In addition to actually having a layer of blubber that insulates him and being able to hold his breath under water for long periods, he claims he has the proportional strength of a walrus. So you’d think that would be a good thing, right? Wrong. Walrus’s are larger than humans, meaning that if he really did have the PROPORTIONAL strength of a walrus, he’d be significantly weaker than the average human. Which brings me to my next point. He’s an absolute IDIOT!

Known for frequently saying stupid things, the Walrus isn’t the brightest bulb in the light bulb factory. In fact, he’s so dumb that rather than stealing money, he’s simply content to cause as much property damage as he can. Rob a bank and live like a king? Nope! He’d rather demolish a building. He’s the kind of villain that makes you want to facepalm so hard your eyeballs rattle inside your skull! But what’s his backstory? He was a taxi driver named Hubert Carpenter (Geddit? Carpenter? The Walrus and the Carpenter? Alice in Wonderland? Lewis Carroll? Incredibly bad pun that makes you want to tear off your ears? Anyone?) whose uncle, a mad scientist, gave him his walrus powers. That’s pretty much it.

Almost every time he has gone up against a superhero, they cannot help but laugh their tights off at the sight of him. and who could blame them. He’s inept, idiotic, a fashion disaster area and is a black mark against the good name of Walrus’s everywhere. What? They’re majestic creatures!