DC… you make it so easy to make fun of you. Seriously, you don’t do yourself any favours. Giving Superman a new power? Why? He’s got a ton! Flight, X-Ray vision, frost breath, super strength, invulnerability (unless you’ve got one of the billion green rocks that are just lying around from a planet that exploded millions of lightyears away), heat vision, super hearing, and the ability to erase someone’s memories just by kissing them. I don’t want to explain the last one.
Still, this isn’t exactly surprising. Back in DC’s laughably named “Golden Age”, Superman pretty much had any power the writers wanted. He could shapeshift at one point, no joke. So the idea of a new power isn’t exactly a new idea. And what is this power exactly?
“Super Flare”?
……………….
Nah, that sucks. Here’s some other ideas!
DISCLAIMER! This list is one long piss take. Suck it up.
6. Super Memory Power
![rsz_superman-thinking-1600-1200[1]](https://ap2hyc.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/rsz_superman-thinking-1600-12001.jpg)
Who doesn’t want an eidetic memory? With this power, Supes could remember every thing he’s ever experienced. From growing up in Kent Farm, to working at the Daily Planet, nothing would get past him. Which would be useful because it means that when DC inevitably reboot their own universe AGAIN, he’d remember what everything used to be like. Which would probably lead to a few awkward situations. Mainly with Wonder Woman. I don’t envy you Superman.
5. Super Hair Growth Power
![rsz_cousin-it[1]](https://ap2hyc.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/rsz_cousin-it1.jpg)
Ever wonder how Clark Kent gets his hair cut? Kryptonite scissors? Ah, never mind. Point is, how often is it that Superman comes across a super villain that is too powerful for him to handle, but who has a crippling phobia of hair? Well, I don’t know seeing as I don’t read Superman comics. But I’m sure it happens quite often. With this power, finally Superman will be able to conduct psychological warfare on his enemies! Plus, maybe he could finally make peace with Lex Luthor and give him a wig made out of 100% real Kryptonian hair.
4. Super Communicate With Rabbits Power
![rsz_cant-talk-now-boss-fight-bunny[1]](https://ap2hyc.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/rsz_cant-talk-now-boss-fight-bunny1.jpg)
Let’s face it. Rabbits are the most intelligent animal on Earth. We all know this. Screw the Dolphin. Forget Apes. Ignore… oh, what are they called. Hoooo-mans? Not important. It’s Rabbits. So naturally, Supes had better recruit these intellectual creatures for his fight against evil quick, before they turn against us and force us into hutches of their own design! We’ll be forced to eat carrots for the rest of our lives! The horror! Save us from this awful fate Superman! Make the hopping ones our allies!
3. Super Know The Answer To Every Trivial Pursuit Question Power
![rsz_superhero-poker[1]](https://ap2hyc.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/rsz_superhero-poker1.jpg)
This is an obvious one. If there’s one way to defeat a villain, it’s at trivial pursuit. I’m fairly certain that’s how Onslaught was stopped. And seeing as there’s no hero in DC’s line up that could possibly know the answer to EVERY question, it’s imperative that Superman develop this power. Before it’s too late. As long as he doesn’t brag about it afterwards. Yeah, okay Supes. You know the capital of Uruguay. Good for you. Don’t be a dick about it.
2. Super Bill Paxton Power
![bill-paxton-weird-science[1]](https://ap2hyc.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/bill-paxton-weird-science1.jpg)
The ability to summon Bill Paxton at any moment.
Yeah.
There’s got to be a ton of uses for that. Like……………
Okay, I’ve got nothing.
1. Super Turn Into Any Vegetable Power
![rsz_supervegbig[1]](https://ap2hyc.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/rsz_supervegbig1.jpg)
Not just carrots. Not just potatoes. Parsnips too! Oh the possibilities! Oh the wonder! Oh the total non-stupidity of the idea! Not to mention the non-stupidity of giving a character that already is massively overpowered with very few vulnerabilities yet another superpower, just for the sake of giving him another power!
It’s not like they could, I don’t know, DEVELOP him as a character? What are you, high? No, no, no, no! It’s all about lumping him with another power! Some people might say that giving extra powers to a guy who can already leap a tall building in a single bound, fly, see what lies behind your knickers, fry your face, bend solid steel and LIVE IN SPACE… doesn’t need any more powers! Well, those people are clearly mentally deficient! And should be ignored and shunned.
It’s not like DC have been trying to make Superman more successful or relatable for YEARS without much joy. Nope. And clearly, this is NOT an obvious ploy to boost comic sales. THIS IS CLEARLY NOT AN OBVIOUS CON BEING DONE BY A COMPANY THAT HAS BEEN PRETTY MUCH CREATIVLY BANKRUPT FOR YEARS NOW! AND CLEARLY, I AM BEING SARCASTIC!!! CAN YOU TELL?!?!?!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!
Hello. This is Mr. Meridew’s therapist, Dr. Williams. Unfortunately, Mr Meridew suffered a rage blackout shortly after writing the article above. He was found screaming outside DC’s corporate headquarters dressed as a character called Poison Ivy, threatening to decapitate Batman’s butler Alfred, who turned out to be a very frightened Japanese tourist. I have been instructed by my patient to finish this article, while he awaits trial. I have advised him to plead insanity. Anyway, what do you think of the list? At this point, Mr Meridew would use alliteration in some creative manner to describe the list, but I’m no good at that sort of thing, so just let AP2HYC know what you think in the comments or on Twitter. Thank you for reading. Sincerely, Dr. C. J. Williams. PhD.