Okay, when it comes to crap secret identities, DC wins hands down. I mean, do you really expect me to believe that people don’t recognise Superman as Clark Kent? It’s just a pair of glasses guys! It’s not that much of a disguise! In an age of photo recognition and the infinite capabilities of bloody Google Images, this really makes no sense!
Having said that, Marvel have on occasion given us a few secret identities that test our suspension of disbelief. And we’re here to celebrate the best of them. Or should I say, the worst of them? No, I’ll stick with best of them. Then again, the title does say “worst”. Is the best of a bad thing the worst of the worst or the best of the worst? My head hurts.
DISCLAIMER! The following is my own opinion. If you have a different opinion then keep it to yourself, nobody wants to hear it.
6. His Bodyguard? Really?
Everybody knows that Tony Stark is Iron Man. But back in the day, he kept it a secret just like most superheroes. So how did he explain Iron Man showing up wherever he did? He said that Iron Man was his bodyguard. Yeah. Kinda stupid, huh? For starters, they were never seen in the same place at the same time. Part of being a bodyguard is, y’know, guarding an actual body!
Plus, who was guarding Tony while Iron Man was palling around with the Avengers for all those years? Why would he allow his body guard to even join the Avengers in the first place? This cover story is falling apart at the seams! Thank goodness in the movies Tony is just like: “F**k it, I’m Iron Man!”.
5. I Don’t Think You Thought This Through
Anybody remember the Prowler? He was a former villain and ally of Spider-Man who had probably the stupidest idea ever. Y’know how Peter Parker had the clever idea to take pictures of himself as Spider-Man and sells them to the Daily Bugle? Imagine if somebody came up with a similar idea, but was an idiot. That idiot would be Hobie Brown. An engineering prodigy, Hobie was angry about being fired from his job, so he decided to embark on a life of crime. As you do.
But he wasn’t a bad guy at heart. So he decided to compromise. He’d steal stuff as a costumes supervillain, and later return them as Hobie Brown. There are several things wrong with this. A, there won’t be any profit in this. B, even if there were rewards for some of the stolen items, that wouldn’t mean there’s rewards for all of them. And C, eventually people are going to cotton on to the fact that the same guy keeps returning stolen items time and time again. They’ll put two together eventually! Hobie’s on the straight and narrow now, mainly because Spider-Man took pity on him. Yeah, I’d pity him too.
4. The Hair is a Big Giveaway
The X-Men have had an interesting relationship with secret identities. Everyone knows Beast is Hank McCoy, but not everyone knows that Cyclops is Scott Summers. But I think people at least ought to recognise Storm. I mean… she kinda stands out don’t you think? Do you know anyone else with hair like that?
She doesn’t even wear a mask when in costume! Nightcrawler has to wear an image inducer when he goes out in public, but Ororo doesn’t even turn a head? “Oh yeah, just another woman with flowing, waist length, pure white hair. Seen that a million times before. Dum de dum de doo.”.