Age of MCU: Top 6 Worst Secret Identities of the Marvel Universe

Okay, when it comes to crap secret identities, DC wins hands down. I mean, do you really expect me to believe that people don’t recognise Superman as Clark Kent? It’s just a pair of glasses guys! It’s not that much of a disguise! In an age of photo recognition and the infinite capabilities of bloody Google Images, this really makes no sense!

Having said that, Marvel have on occasion given us a few secret identities that test our suspension of disbelief. And we’re here to celebrate the best of them. Or should I say, the worst of them? No, I’ll stick with best of them. Then again, the title does say “worst”. Is the best of a bad thing the worst of the worst or the best of the worst? My head hurts.

DISCLAIMER! The following is my own opinion. If you have a different opinion then keep it to yourself, nobody wants to hear it.

 

6. His Bodyguard? Really?

Everybody knows that Tony Stark is Iron Man. But back in the day, he kept it a secret just like most superheroes. So how did he explain Iron Man showing up wherever he did? He said that Iron Man was his bodyguard. Yeah. Kinda stupid, huh? For starters, they were never seen in the same place at the same time. Part of being a bodyguard is, y’know, guarding an actual body!

Plus, who was guarding Tony while Iron Man was palling around with the Avengers for all those years? Why would he allow his body guard to even join the Avengers in the first place? This cover story is falling apart at the seams! Thank goodness in the movies Tony is just like: “F**k it, I’m Iron Man!”.

 

5. I Don’t Think You Thought This Through

Anybody remember the Prowler? He was a former villain and ally of Spider-Man who had probably the stupidest idea ever. Y’know how Peter Parker had the clever idea to take pictures of himself as Spider-Man and sells them to the Daily Bugle? Imagine if somebody came up with a similar idea, but was an idiot. That idiot would be Hobie Brown. An engineering prodigy, Hobie was angry about being fired from his job, so he decided to embark on a life of crime. As you do.

But he wasn’t a bad guy at heart. So he decided to compromise. He’d steal stuff as a costumes supervillain, and later return them as Hobie Brown. There are several things wrong with this. A, there won’t be any profit in this. B, even if there were rewards for some of the stolen items, that wouldn’t mean there’s rewards for all of them. And C, eventually people are going to cotton on to the fact that the same guy keeps returning stolen items time and time again. They’ll put two together eventually! Hobie’s on the straight and narrow now, mainly because Spider-Man took pity on him. Yeah, I’d pity him too.

4. The Hair is a Big Giveaway

The X-Men have had an interesting relationship with secret identities. Everyone knows Beast is Hank McCoy, but not everyone knows that Cyclops is Scott Summers. But I think people at least ought to recognise Storm. I mean… she kinda stands out don’t you think? Do you know anyone else with hair like that?

She doesn’t even wear a mask when in costume! Nightcrawler has to wear an image inducer when he goes out in public, but Ororo doesn’t even turn a head? “Oh yeah, just another woman with flowing, waist length, pure white hair. Seen that a million times before. Dum de dum de doo.”.

3. That’s Not Really a Costume

One of the reasons why so many superheroes wear costumes is because it’s distracting. It’s like a guy who always wears glasses and has a beard, so when he shaves and gets contacts you don’t immediately recognise him (Key word: Immediately. Eventually you WILL recognise him. Eh, Clark?). But if your superhero costume is just the same as your regular clothes then… what’s the point? Enter Jubilee.

Granted her ordinary clothes are… what’s a polite word? Ostentatious? Yeah, that’ll do. But the fact remains that it’s her main outfit, whether she’s fighting Sentinels or going to the mall. She’s not exactly a master of disguise, is she? At least Storm ditches her costume whenever she goes out. Jubilee’s all: “Yellow trenchcoat? Pink glasses? Nobody’ll recognise me in THESE!”.

 

2. Spoilt For Choice

Ah, Moon Knight. As Spider-Man once said: “Moony. Rhymes with looney.”. See, Marc Spector took on two other identities to help his fight against crime. Millionaire Steven Grant, and blue collar taxi driver Jake Lockley. The problem with this? Marc has dissociative identity disorder, also known as multiple personality disorder. This complicates matters a tad.

He’s had a lot of difficulty keeping track of who’s in the drivers seat, if you catch my drift. Sometimes he’s Marc, other times he’s Jake, one time he was a little girl (I miss Ultimate Spider-Man). Still, if you’re tasked by an Egyptian god to bring criminals to justice, you’re not exactly setting yourself up for an easy ride, now are you?

 

1. I Can’t See Benedict Cumberbatch Doing This

I didn’t believe this when I first heard it. Apparently, at one point Marvel decided to make Doctor Strange more like his superhero compatriots. So they gave him a different costume, a mask, and the secret identity of Doctor Steven Saunders. Erm… okay. Why? Well, to boost sales, obviously! And how did that work out?

The series was cancelled six issues later. Wa wa waaaaaaa. Did they really think that would work? One of the most appealing things about Doctor Strange is the fact that he’s not like most superheroes. Plus, people already knew about a Doctor Steven Strange, so wouldn’t it be a little weird if he suddenly started calling himself Steven Saunders just as well known sorcerer Doctor Strange started wearing a mask? Are the ordinary civilians of superhero worlds just in a constant state of ignorance? What the hell is going on here?