SPIDERTEMBER: Aunt May Vs Marvel’s Greatest Villains

It’s the age old question. Humanity’s greatest minds have pondered it. Socrates, Plato, Albert Einstein, Leonardo Da Vinci, Seth McFarlane (Well I like him!). All have tried to come up with the answer to the question… how would Aunt May defeat Marvel’s villains?

Okay, nobody’s ever asked that question. Why would they? It’s ridiculous. But seeing as we’re not even halfway through Spidertember and I’ve already run out of ideas, let’s do this thing!

 

DISCLAIMER! The following is pure nonsense and shouldn’t be taken even a little bit seriously. She’s a septuagenarian for goodness sakes! She’d be obliterated in an instant.

 

6. Thanos

Lets see here. How would Aunt May take care of the mad titan and occasional wielder of the Infinity Gauntlet, Thanos? Well, Thanos has a bit of emotional baggage when it comes to his family. Mainly because he’s tried to kill them repeatedly. So I’m guessing May would admonish Thanos for trying to wipe out all life in the universe by telling him “What would your parents say if they could see you now?”.

I mean, that would work on me!

 

5. Galactus

Ah, the world eater. Yeah, Galactus is a literal force of nature who has to eat planets in order to survive, but can he stand up to Aunt May? He’s immune to most physical attacks, so I think Aunt May would simply attack the source of the problem and try to sate his celestial-body-sized appetite instead, most likely by offering him a plate of wheatcakes.

Because no man, mortal or immortal, can resist wheatcakes.

 

4. Dr Doom

Sure he’s a megalomaniacal dictator that can’t seem to be portrayed properly on film (I’m still angry. It’s been a month and I’m still… just… livid!), but can he stand up to the awesome might of an elderly woman who’s more likely to get ill than a Quarian? Well, I imagine that she’d again bring up his tragic family (Like his mum who lives in hell), and suggest that he simply get married and then sell his marriage to the devil in order to bring her back.

Lets face it, it worked for her. And it’s not like years later they’d just retcon everything back to norma- OH WAIT!

3. Onslaught

The evil psionic (What? It’s a word!) amalgamation of the minds of Charles Xavier and Magneto, Onslaught nearly killed the X-Men, Avengers, and Fantastic Four (Like Fox keeps trying to do. NO, I’M NOT GOING TO GET OVER IT!). And how would Aunt May stop this malevolent being made up of psychic energy?

……….

I dunno. Probably whack it with her cane or something. This is really hard, guys!

 

2. Apocalypse

Possibly the first Mutant and one of the X-Men’s most brutal villains, Apocalypse is immortal and almost unstoppable. That is, until Aunt May comes along! Yeah! Show him what for, May! Apocalypse may have the ability to control all his molecules, turn his limbs onto weapons, project energy, telekinesis, telepathy, regeneration, and a scientific mind that would put Mr Fantastic, Tony Stark, and Hank McCoy to shame, but that’s nothing compared to Aunt May! So what would she do?

She’d send him to his room, telling him to think long and hard about what he’d done. Damn, I’m running out of ideas.

 

1. Loki

The Norse God of mischief. Self proclaimed rightful ruler of Asgard. Wielder of magic far beyond the comprehension of mortal men. The bane of Thor. The Avenger’s first enemy. A master of deception and guile. The epitome of a trickster. But seeing as all parents have an in-built bullshit detection meter, he’s not going to be pulling the wool over her eyes anytime soon. She’d see right through him and tell him that she’s not angry, just very disappointed in him.

Which will hurt more than a million Hulk punches ever could. So sad.

 

But what do YOU think of this list? Is it a… a… okay, it’s really stupid. Alright? You know it, I know it. Let’s not kid ourselves. Let us know what you think in the comments or on Twitter. Not that we need you to tell us. Geez. In fact, let me tell you how these scenarios would REALLY play out. Thanos: She’s dead. Galactus: She’s dead. Dr Doom: She’s dead. Onslaught: She’s dead. Apocalypse: She’s dead. Loki: She’s dead. Let’s be realistic.