We all know it’s coming; be it a reboot, a parallel universe or a continuation from The Dark Knight Rises, Warner will undoubtedly be looking to cash back in on Batman within the decade, thanks to his superhuman ability to generate cash faster than he doles out justice. Whether they go for the camp and fun approach or dark and gritty once more, fans will, without fail, see this as a bad thing, pissing and moaning about the prospect of a usurper to the throne even before any details are announced.
To this I say: No matter how much you think it will suck in the wake of the last films, it could always be worse. Much worse. And here are some top examples of how this could happen.
5. Feature The Same, Tired, Old Villains
Much as Joker defines Batman like guilt, broken necks and the George Washington Bridge define Spider-Man, it’d be too soon to have him appear again (plus, Jack Nicholson and Heath Ledger left tough acts to follow – would you want to be the one to fill those humorously oversized shoes?). So new blood is definitely needed. Scarecrow and Ras & Talia Al Gaul were bold decisions that paid off (well, apart from Talia), and Bane was definitely a step up from his last cinematic rendition until he went all love-sick puppy.
The Batverse is rich in diverse and compellingly insane rogues who’d be a welcome addition to the big screen; Black Mask, Hugo Strange, Killer Croc, Harley Quinn, Clayface, hell even Calendar Man would make for interesting nemesis (think Kevin Spacey in Se7en). We all have our personal favourite vagabond we’d love to see immortalised on the big screen, however, any film featuring Clock King, Ratcatcher, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb, Killer Moth or robotic assassin versions of Bruce Waynes’ parents are a one way pass to Flopsville, population: Superman 4: The Quest for Peace.
Now Toby Jones as Mad Hatter; there’s a film I’d pay to have my parents gunned down to see.
4. The Batdance
Because, just no. Make it stop!
3. Robin – in Shorts!!!
I’ve no problem with seeing Robin return. Much as he might detract from the Burton/ Nolan Batman, and try as we might to forget Chris O’Donnell’s stint as the Boy Wonder, Robin is an integral part of the Batman mythos, dating back all the way to 1940’s Detective Comics #38. Be it Dick Grayson, Jason “What-a-Nice-Crowbar” Todd, Tim Drake, Stephanie Brown (back off nerds, I liked her), or even *sigh* Damian Wayne, you can’t deny that the little red one is an important element for what makes Batman…Batman.
After seven years of solo Batman brooding, it’s time for the series to introduce Team Batman, or at least have a lighter tone. Unless Warner are up for filming A Death in the Family, because who wouldn’t love to see Jason Todd beaten to a bleeding pulp on the big screen? Bring on a new era; bring on Robin in any incarnation that’s fitting.
There’s just one thing we don’t need to see: Prepubescent ass-cleavage and crotch-bulge IN IMAX 3D!!!!
2. Link it to Catwoman
Ah yes, this is to the comic book movie subgenre what Uwe Boll has been for the videogame cinematic adaption. It is so low down the totem it makes Elektra a preferable watch. By linking the next Batman film to this universally derided flop, Warner’s would not so much fall at the starting block as be racing to the glue factory before the horse has been born. Maybe Bruce Wayne has been selected by the winged rodent gods of old to take down an evil corporation, and only the help of a reborn feline deity can win the day.
I think I just threw up a little in my mouth just writing that.
1. Another Origin Story
At this point in mankind’s social evolution, if we were to take all the people in the world who didn’t know who Batman was and liquidate all but one, there wouldn’t be enough to sufficiently fill a bathtub for the remainder to bathe in the slimy pure shame. Everyone knows the equation: ($ x billions) + murdered parents ÷ bats x mental instability = vigilante justice (this is what mathematicians call ‘the Batman Principal’), so to waste another 120 minutes of our time explaining this story only marginally less popular than the Bible would be redundant.
Now Nolan did a good job in defining where the Batman began and Bruce ended, don’t get me wrong, but there are only so many times I can watch Thomas and Martha Wayne get gunned down and see Bruce take it out on the bones of Gothams’ underclass before I start to sympathise with the gunman.
Likewise, we don’t need to see how Joker got his smile, where Penguin outfits his umbrellas with enough ordinance to rival Deadpool, or discover what Mr Freeze does with his frozen bodily secretions. Just dump Bats in Arkham and let the good times roll. After all, haven’t the Waynes suffered enough without Hollywood capitalising on their deaths even further? We should all be ashamed.
Runners up for the worse things Warner could do to screw up the next instalment include:
- Give Batman a moustache.
- Cast Eddie Murphy as Batman…and the Joker in a dual role.
- Have Prince provide the soundtrack (again).
- Batman is a sparklepire.
- Tying it to Man of Steel.
- Bat-nipples. ‘Nuff said.
- After an entire movie of being awesome, the villain is revealed to be acting out of love.
- Dick Grayson is bitten by a radioactive robin and given the proportional aerodynamics and super-underwhelming strength of said bird.
- Adapting the story in which Alfred is killed in a rockslide (while riding a motor bike, ‘natch), only to be resurrected as a zombie who transforms victims into coffins. Even if Alfred were played by Jason Statham.
- Directed by contemporary Tim Burton, based on a script by Uwe Boll.
