Top 5 Reasons Why The Justice League Movie Is Going To Suuuuuck!

We are living in an age of endless wonder. Marvel has produced hit after hit, showing us the true majesty of cinematic superheroes. They are a bastion of hope, enjoyment and awesomeness. And running behind them, desperately trying to keep up is DC. It would be endearing if it wasn’t so pathetic! We all know that DC are moving forward with a Justice League movie (Two of them in fact. Why two? Imagine the sound of a cash register and you’ll guess why.), but let’s face it… it’s gonna suck harder than a vacuum cleaner in a tornado.

It’s almost an inevitability, really. I can see it coming as clear as day! But some people insist that I’m just saying that because I hate DC with a burning passion that couldn’t even be quenched by the seven seas. Yeah, turns out you can’t just go around saying that an upcoming movie is going to suck and not give any reasons for saying so. Stupid, right? So, for the sake of stemming the tide of rabid DC fans knocking on my door armed with pitchforks and torches, here are some reasons why the Justice League movie is going to be more like the Justice LAME movie. HAH! That was a great pun. I’m so clever.

DISCLAIMER! Wait… do I really need to put a disclaimer here? I think people will already know that this is purely opinion based. Right? RIGHT?

 

5. No Standalone Films

Here’s the great thing about the Marvel Cinematic Universe. It allowed us to get to know these characters and see them develop BEFORE they were all teamed up. And yes, it would take longer, but DC would have done themselves a favour if they’d just been patient and given each of the characters their own film. Or at the very least, done a series of crossover films! So they start with Batman and Superman, then Wonder Woman and Aquaman, then Green Lantern and Flash, then Cyborg and… someone else, I don’t know. Arm Fall Off Boy?

But to hell with that. They’re just lumping half the characters in the Batman and Superman film. Which means either they’re all going to be fighting for screen time or they’re just going to be in the background waving and shouting “Look! We’re in this movie too!”. And yes, I know DC recently announced that they’re doing standalone films for the characters… after the Justice League film comes out. Too little, too late, DC!

 

4. David S. Goyer

Do I even need to say why? We all know that D.S.G. isn’t exactly a fan favourite any more. Which is a shame, really. He used to be quite good! Remember Blade? That was cool. And Blade II? That was awesome! And Blade Trinity? ……. Never mind.

Needless to say, his writing skills have gone downhill slightly. Almost as much as his reputation with fans. You know what I’m talking about. The She-Hulk thing? Stan Lee called him a nut? Look it up. Seriously though, the last good film he worked on was The Dark Knight! And he only did the story! Which was full of plot holes! Why ask him to work on the story for Justice League? Maybe because he did the story for Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice? I don’t know. But what I do know is that DC need to look elsewhere if they want a good story. Not that the original JLA story was any good. I mean, really? A giant starfish? Come on.

3. Zack Snyder

Attention people of the known universe. STOP GIVING ZACK SNYDER WORK! He started off alright with300 and Watchmen. But once Sucker Punch came out there was no excuse. He’s just not that good anymore! Was he even that good to begin with? 300 was incredibly slight and stylish, but that’s all it was meant to be! Watchmen, meanwhile, pretty much divided fans as to whether or not it was a decent adaptation. I’d say at least he’s a good cinematographer but all he does is use constant slow mo and disorienting zoom shots.

I’m not saying he’s the worse director in the world, but DC could do better. Both he and Goyer are working on Batman and Superman so it seems as if these two have formed some kind of unholy duo that parents will tell their children of as a cautionary tale. “Go to sleep, or Zack Snyder and David S. Goyer will make a movie!” “Noooooo!”. All I can say is, I’m tired of Zack Snyder and I can’t help but think I can’t be the only one.

 

2. Brainiac? Seriously?

Of all the villains they could have picked, this seems like an odd choice. Not the ODDEST. That title belongs to the aforementioned cosmic starfish. And not to say that he’s a bad villain, per se. It’s just… wouldn’t it be better to have a villain team up? A bunch of different villains come together, and only the Justice League could stop them! That seems much more cool. Say… Lex Luthor, Joker, Sinestro, Cheetah, Deathstroke and Ocean Master? Difficult to pull off, but if they did it? Whooo! What a film!

But no. Word on the street is, they are just going with Brainiac. Plus, the fact that the Justice League are going to be facing just one enemy who has a close, personal connection with one of their members, and will surely bring an invasion of earth using alien technology seems kind of familiar. Which brings us to…

 

1. Marvel Did it First

I’ll admit this is kind of a no-win scenario for DC, but still… Marvel did it first! And you know the worst part? DC had been Ummm-ing and Ahhh-ing about a Justice League movie for years. They tried a few times, but it always fell at the first hurdle. But the second Marvel managed to pull it off and they saw how much money they made, DC immediately said: “Right, we’re gonna make a Justice League movie so we can get us some of that moolah!”. And they’ve been riding Marvel’s coat tails ever since! Even if the JL movie does turn out to be good (Which will never happen in a month of Sunday’s), I won’t even be able to respect it. Because they only did it because Marvel did it.

They didn’t decide independently to make it. They didn’t do it because they thought the fans wanted it. They didn’t do it because the time was right. They did it because they saw somebody else do it and they want to be part of the cool kids. Why do you think they’re rushing to get BvS: DoJ done so quickly? And the worst part? They can’t win! Because the greatest thing the film will ever be able to accomplish is being just as good as Avengers. And if that is the case, people will still look at Marvel more fondly because not only did they do it first, but they did it without trying to copy someone else! If DC had just WAITED a few years, and bided their time, people probably wouldn’t be comparing them to Marvel. But that is not the case. They had to do it right now and damn the consequences. Because it doesn’t matter if you make something great, if you’re just mimicking someone else.