I warned you all! I said a million times that this movie would suck, but no one believed me! Well who’s laughing now? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *Ahem* You all ready to listen now? Good. I’ve been holding these bad boys in for a while and I’m ready to let loose! Let’s not waste any time! Here’s the top ten plot holes in Batman V Superman: Dawn of the Idiot Screenwriters (Mainly Goyer).
DISCLAIMER! I barely scratched the surface here, folks. You’ve probably noticed a few other plot holes that I haven’t included. By all means, share them. Yeah. Normally I’d tell you to keep your opinions to yourselves, but not today! Spread the word! Share your thoughts! This movie deserves every bit of ire it gets! RUN MY CHILDREN! SHARE YOUR OPINIONS OF HATE! MWA HA HA HAAAAAA!!!
10. NaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNa PUNISHER?
Batman kills people. Yeah. He kills people. He straight up murders them. He blows the up into itty bitty pieces. All the damn time. Erryday. It’s actually kind of hilarious. One of the few superheroes that never stops going on about how he doesn’t kill people, and they made him kill people with the same casual disinterest as someone swatting a gnat.
This is a very bad understanding of the character, to be sure. But why is it a plot hole? Well, this means that Superman has a genuine reason for going after him! Superman has killed ONE person. And that was to save people in direct jeopardy. What’s Batman’s excuse?
9. He’s Super Shy
So I’ve said in the past how Man of Steel was rather gratuitous in it’s destruction of Metropolis. And I’ve also voiced my disapproval of DC’s reactionary decision to have Superman be criticised in THIS movie for said destruction. But here’s the thing… he kind of had a valid excuse. “Aliens were invading so shut up” is a pretty good trump card to have. But still, a lot of people question him, and are afraid of him.
So why is this a plot hole? BECAUSE HE NEVER BLOODY EXPLAINS HIMSELF!!! Everyone is afraid of him because they know so little about him! All he needs to do is call a press conference and explain who he is, where he comes from, what his intentions are, and why he poses no threat. This would solve most of his problems with the public! And you know how I know this? THEY DID IT IN THE FIRST RASSIN FRASSUM MOVIE! He did an interview with Lois Lane explaining who he is!!! How is this movie stupider than a movie from the 70’s? HOW?
8. Somebody Call Maury Povich!
Right. Okay. So, Lex Luthor combines his DNA with Kryptonian DNA in order to create Doomsday, right? Right? Okay. Leaving aside the fact that this is in no way even reminiscent of Doomsday’s actual origin, here’s the thing… that’s how Superboy was created!!!
Superboy is a combination of Superman and Lex Luthor’s DNA! So technically, that giant monster that Lex created is actually closer to Superboy than Doomsday. You heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen. Superboy killed Superman. This is the world we live in now.
7. I Hate You! Why? Because!
A lot of people complained that Superman and Batman had little to no reason to hate each other in this flick. And that’s true. However, I would like to draw attention to another glaring oversight. Lex Luthor hates Superman because… ummm. Because… ! I- um, I really don’t know.
There was some frantic gibberish about how Superman is godlike and he wants to destroy him because of that, but frankly, that’s rubbish. In the comics, Superman was constantly disrupting Lex’s secret criminal operations, so it made sense for him to hate him. Here though, Lex has made a fortune dealing with various kryptonian devices and such. And Superman has never once bothered him until now. So… why all the hate again?
6. Lex Luthor Must Be Related to Sherlock.
Lex Luthor is a genius. Yes, definitely. But in this movie he manages to figure out both Batman and Superman’s secret identity. Okay, I guess that’s not beyond his intellect. So come on Lexy boy. Tell us how you did it. How did you figure out two of the most closely guarded secret identities in the world? Hello? Lex? How did you do it? Why are you running away? Come back!
So yeah. Lex figured out both of their secret identities… OFF SCREEN!!! AND IT’S NEVER EXPLAINED EVEN ONCE!!! I’ll take spy satellites, information brokers, mind reading. I don’t care! Just give us a half decent reason why Lex could possibly know all this other than “He’s smart”! No? Nothing? YOU FAIL MOVIE!
5. Oh, Hi Ghost Dad!
In his self imposed exile that only makes him look more guilty, Clark sees a vision of Jonathan Kent on a snowy mountain.
There’s no reason given for this either.
4. Bat Math.
This is less of a plot hole and more of some of the stupidest writing I’ve seen in a while. But it makes so little sense I guess it could count as a plot hole. You’ll probably remember the bit in the film when Bruce goes off on Alfred, saying: “He has the power to wipe out the entire human race, and if we believe there’s a one percent chance that he is our enemy we have to take it as an absolute certainty… and we have to destroy him.”
Uh, no. No Batman. That’s just stupid. I’m sorry, that’s not how probability works. Hell, it’s not how MATHS works. If there’s a one percent chance of something happening, then you cannot take it as a certainty. It might still happen, but it’s not certain. There is no way anyone with more than half a brain would say this. If the line was “…if we believe there’s a one percent chance that he is our enemy then that’s one percent too high…” or something, then that would be fine! But as is? No. Just no. I don’t care if I’m being petty or nitpicky. No.
3. Should We Evacuate? Nah
So a large group of people are gathered in Bruce Wayne’s building in Metropolis. They are staring in shock as Zod destroys their city. And they… do… nothing. They just stare gormlessly at the untold destruction. Do they try and leave? No. Can they leave? Yes. So these people saw an invading alien army and thought “Best sit tight and wait for it all to blow over”. Idiots.
Oh! But then Bruce calls this one guy and tells him to evacuate. And it’s only THEN that they decide it’d probably be a good idea to leave one of the buildings that’s a prime target for kryptonian lunatics who love nothing more than destroying buildings. And the award for “Virtually No Survival Instincts” goes to… everyone working at the Metropolis division of Wayne Enterprises! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAP*
2. Sure, Superman Obviously Shot Those People
Part of Lex’s plan was to foist suspicion and blame onto Superman by having a bunch of his goons shoot some people near Lois Lane, resulting in him coming to her rescue and therefore being implicated in their deaths. Because as we all know if Superman, a guy who can bend steel with his bare hands who can also shoot lazer beams out of his eyes, wanted to kill someone, he’d use a gun!
Do… do I really need to explain why this is stupid? You’re all reasonably intelligent people, I’m sure it’s obvious to you.
1. Martha? Really?
So Batman finally has Superman at his mercy. He raises his kryptonite spear to deliver the killing blow. And Superman chokes out what might be his last words: “Martha… have to save Martha.” This shocks Batman so much that he decides not to kill him.
Huh. Okay. What?
This is stupid for two reasons. One, Batman has been going on and on about how Superman needs to be stopped throughout the movie. And the reason he stops is because Batman mentioned his mum’s name? Still, I could forgive this. That is, if it weren’t for one simple thing.
WHY WOULD SUPERMAN USE HIS MUM’S ACTUAL GODDAMNED, FROG HUMPING, BRAIN SHRINKING, FILM RUINING, MOTHER LOVING, REAL NAAAAAAAAAAME?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Why didn’t he say “Mom… have to save Mom.”? What kind of hippie weirdo calls their mum by their actual name? It’s mindboggling. In fact, saying “Mom”, would have made MORE sense! It might have reminded Batman that Superman is a person with a family, and the fact that he’s trying to save her might connect with him as he was unable to save his OWN mum as a child!
Who cares if their mum’s have the same name? It’s a fairly common name! Hell, it’s the 78th most popular name in America! It doesn’t mean anything! It’s ridiculous! It’s idiotic! DAMN THIS MOVIE TO THE LOWEST PITS OF TARTARUS!!!!!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
But what do YOU think of this list? Was it a… no, you know what? I’m taking it back. I don’t want your opinion! These plot holes are bad and the people who ignore them should feel bad! You can tell us how you feel in the comments or on Twitter, but I don’t care! I’m going to spend the next hour and a half bashing my head against a wall in order to give myself brains damage so I can forget this stupid movie! *Thud* Ow. *Thud* Ow. *Thud* Ow. *Thud* Ow. *Thud* Ow. *Thud* Ow.*Thud* Ow. *Thud* Ow.