Why Superheroes and Alcohol Don’t Mix

With St. Patrick’s Day  come and gone, having inevitably dissolved into a green blur of alcohol, jokes revolving around potato famines, and “KISS ME I’M A REPLICANT” tee shirts, most forget about the statistically most painful day of the year: the day after St. Patrick’s Day. With your liver corroding, brain cells battling for survival Thunderdome-style, and the toilet bowl now housing a liquid reenactment of the curb-biting scene from American History X, you are likely to curse your respective deities for your hangover-susceptible, mono-liver, squishy mortal form.

In times of woe and bil,e it is natural to escape to delusions of grandeur. Surely having a liver that can stretch to different sizes or the ability to astral project out of a hangover would be a good thing, right? Wrong. With great power comes great responsibility, and with superhuman drinking comes superhuman hangovers. Here are four reasons why alcohol and superheroes don’t mix.

4. Captain America

Captain America Handstand on the bike

Our first example of capes and booze not mixing is a literal one, as the super soldier serum which pumps through Captain America’s veins makes him immune to alcohol. As Cap explains, while his hyper fast metabolism and barrier bound cells make it impossible for him to get poisoned, it also prevents him from being drunk.

A United Nations of schnapps, tequila, vodka, whiskey, rum, absinthe, kumiss, hejie jiu, ouzo, arak, sake, cachaa, scotch and Zima denied to America’s avatar. Sure you get a super soldier physique, lose the necessity to sleep, instantly gain three feet of height, and the attention of every woman from Alpine, AZ to Zephyrhills, FL, but you can’t even get a buzz.

However, this also means that Captain America cannot get a hangover. Taking it one step further, ninety-pound weakling Steve Rogers was eighteen when he volunteered to be a part of Project Rebirth. He didn’t even get to share that tumbler of schnapps with Professor Ersine thanks to surgical protocol and Nazi spies. Technically, and this is assuming that the worst Rogers ever did was lie on his enlistment documents, Captain America has never been drunk in his life, ever. You may be able to enlist at 18 but you still can’t drink until you’re 21.

Essentially, Captain America’s inability to imbibe is the classic hero’s dilemma– live a life amongst the normal folk where you can drink and be merry and drunk dial your ex at 4:00 am, or live as a demigod who can travel to far away worlds, punch Hitler right in the face, but never get so much as tipsy…

Truth be told, both options sound equally appealing to me, so let’s just move along to my next alcoholic example:

About the author

Chris Davidson