Top 5 Henchmen Who Were Smarter Than Their Villains

2. Henchmen #24 and #21 

In the Marvel Universe and Johnny Quest satire The Venture Bros., the eponymous Venture twins and their kinda-sorta abusive father, Doctor Rusty Venture, are harassed on a nigh constant basis by The Monarch, an individual whose butterfly themed hatred for Dr. Venture runs deeper than sanity or mere explanation itself.

Seriously. For like four seasons now, The Monarch has launched oddly specific butterfly and insect based villainy against the Venture family, and never once have we gotten a reason as to why said villainy exists. In spite of this long-stemmed and mysterious hatred, the majority of this hatred-based work is outsourced to the Monarch’s henchmen, a legion of butterfly-themed lay-abouts armed to the teeth with nothing but self-destructive personalities and an affinity for Guitar Hero.

First and foremost, the life of a Monarch Henchman is a brutal, scrotum- shattering one, where death looms around every corner in the shape of everything from Joseph and his Technicolor-nightmare-coat to a shape-shifting David Bowie, and their only defense against absurdly-themed death is essentially those golden pennies you had to wear in middle school gym for body armor. Though the henchmen are also equipped with a shoot-a-dart guns and a pair of fully functional butterfly wings, these technological innovations are oftentimes discovered literally on the fly.

The Monarch himself is responsible for more friendly fire than a Human Torch played by Mr. Rogers. Wrist mounted dart guns, a temper shorter than a men’s room line at Lilith Faire, and a self-assigned chaotic evil alignment, it’s no wonder that the monarch is one of the main causes of Monarch Henchmen related death.

Inexplicably surviving despite these daily decimations are Henchmen #21 and #24, whose nigh-perfect survivalism and unique brand of clever cowardice is no thanks to bombastic battlefield tactics nor superior physical conditioning (obviously), rather just pure goddamn luck and a devotion to cowardice rivaling only helicopter pilots in zombie movies. The duo is able to mystifyingly tease death’s pale Gothic bosom in eluding fatality by the shivs of malicious murder moppets, Henry Kissinger based demon kin, heavily armored G.I. Joe analogues, their own employer, and the Patrick Warburton-voiced juggernaut Brock Samson, all the while contemplating the unfathomable philosophical depths of a “crazy hypothetical fist fight between Lizzie Borden and Anne Frank” or the mightiest of Cryptozoology animalia.

It’s not even pure luck that saves the duo from becoming casualties, as more often than not the two are direct targets for retribution. 21 even writes a tell-all book about what goes on behind the giant deployable butterfly wings, The Flight of the Monarch, prompting the Monarch to pledge a henchman killing spree if the author wouldn’t step forward, as he cries tears of betrayal in his cocoon themed bedroom. Though the details go unsaid, a scapegoat is presented to the Monarch, who proceeds to replace the poor cohort’s blood with acid, throw him into a shark tank, and then drop a comically oversized hair dryer into the shark tank. As 21 and 24 explain, they can uncannily come out unscathed in even the most explosive of scenarios, as if they were supporting characters on some sort of television series.

Well, uncanny for the most part at least, as in a rare twist of irony a seat belt becomes a binding spell of destruction for 24 as he crosses the river Styx in Season 3, his powder-blue Nissan Stanza serving as his proverbial Charon.

The symbiotic relationship between 21 and 24 isn’t lost however, as 21 uses 24’s death as the catalytic agent in rebuilding his very self into the Wolverine of monarch henchmen, bootstrapping the formerly nerf-gun-vulnerable henchmen into a sufficiently-lubricated ass-kicking and bubblegum-chewing machine whose bubblegum tray is always empty.

21 manages to kidnap the Venture Brothers on a mission of his own design, and even manages to put up a decent fight against Brock Sampson, while an apparition of 24 provides his former best friend with extra-sensory reconnaissance. Keep in mind that 21 did manage to actually kill the Venture Brothers in an unintentional drive-by, way before he chiseled out his inner Sin Eater.

Sure, the hit lacked theatricality, but you can’t argue with the results. Albeit now that I think of it, theatricality, adherence to themes and a particular nonchalance towards homicide seem to make up the terror trinity of villainy.

Now branching out under his own villainous moniker, with a clone baby of 24 on the way, and a well earned make out with Dr. Mrs. The Monarch, 21 and 24 have proven a level of competency, if not villainy, that should make their boss or any other animal themed troublemaker quake in their PVC booties.

Additionally, keep in mind that 21 and 24’s boss, The Monarch, originally started as a henchman himself, known as Shadowman 9, under the employ of Phantom Limb. Over the course of several seasons worth of girlfriend stealing – both literal and metaphorical – S**t-list amending, and wars in the Grand Canyon with, yes, a shape-shifting David Bowie, the former henchman turned butterfly-themed psychotic self-appointed king thus far seems to have the upper hand on Phantom Limb, by which I mean the Monarch indirectly cut off his right arm, left leg, “third leg,” and stole back his stolen girlfriend.

Perhaps it is all just a self-fulfilling cycle of Henchmen overpowering their masters, like Emperor Palpatine said it would be like all along.