Comics

9 Reasons You Should Respect Aquaman

Written by Nik Havert

Aquaman gets a bad rap, and I’ve never been able to understand it.  Perhaps it’s because I grew up across the street from a lake and thus loved the water and wondered what it would be like to be Aquaman.  He carried a cool trident and could talk to fish.  How could anyone think he was a crappy super hero? A lot of people flat-out claim Aquaman is worthless and the weakest member of the Justice League.  He isn’t.  Green Arrow is.  Yes, Green Arrow has his own TV show, a hot girlfriend, and can put an arrow through a Life Saver at five hundred yards as easily as you can stuff a buffalo wing into your mouth, but Aquaman is not lamer than he.  Don’t believe me?

Well here are nine reasons to convince you otherwise:

9. His wife

Do NOT anger this woman.

Do NOT anger this woman.

Mera is one of the most-forgotten, sexiest super heroines in the DC Universe.  She is a hot redhead, Queen of the Seas, can manipulate water into shapes that can hit as hard as bullets, and, apart from telepathy with ocean life, has the same abilities as Aquaman.  If she and yourself are anywhere near water, she doesn’t even need to touch you to inflict pain.  She can manipulate the water coming out of your showerhead to beat you to a soggy pulp.  And she doesn’t need an octopus to pull you to a watery grave.  She can make the water itself kill you.

8. Aquaman knows what you dumped in the sea

Meanwhile, on Aquaman's patio...

Meanwhile, on Aquaman’s patio…

Being King of the Seas has many advantages – you know all the good diving spots, you get the freshest sushi on Earth, and you also know where stuff lies on the ocean floor.  Dump a dead body?  Toss voting ballots into the drink?  Missing a crashed experimental plane worth millions?  Aquaman knows where all of that is, and more.  The number of people he could blackmail is astounding and the list of treasures he could plunder is even greater.  Aquaman could buy small yet entire nations with the stuff in Davey Jones’ locker.

7. Aquaman loves the dark and the cold

Can you see five ninjas in this picture? Aquaman can.

Can you see five ninjas in this picture? Aquaman can.

He can see you no matter how dark it is.  Aquaman grew up playing hide and seek in places never touched by the sun.  Midnight on a moonless night in the middle of the Gobi Desert would be like high noon to his eyes.  Good luck hiding from Aquaman in the dark museum during your jewel heist, because the sun never warms some of these dark places.  Aquaman can take a casual stroll through oceans so cold the water temperatures could kill you within minutes.  Batman should call him every time Mr. Freeze comes to Gotham City because a shot from Mr. Freeze’s cold gun would be like a typical Tuesday in the Arctic Ocean for Aquaman.

6. Aquaman could punch you faster than Bruce Lee could on his best day

Is faster than you. Isn't faster than Aquaman.

Is faster than you. Isn’t faster than Aquaman.

Aquaman played the Atlantean equivalent of kickball at depths that, if you reached them by submarine, would force you to endure days of depressurization before surfacing.  As a result, Aquaman’s reflexes would be as quick as lightning on the surface world.  Don’t forget that power equals force times acceleration.  The speed of his jab alone would generate enough power to go through your chest and out your spine.  To him, your punches would seem like you were throwing them while you were up to your neck in a vat of molasses.  His childhood environment wouldn’t just make him fast, either.  In fact…

5. Aquaman could knock your head off your shoulders as easily as turning a page

Aquaman can be BOTH of these guys.

Aquaman can be BOTH of these guys.

The man’s muscle and bone density would be off the charts.  Punching him would be like punching a granite column.  Resistance-based strength training is a proven method of building solid, functional muscle.  Charles Atlas did it, as do all gymnasts, circus strongmen, and yogis.  Aquaman’s been doing resistance training since he came out of his mother’s womb.  Imagine swinging a fifteen-pound sledgehammer all day to break up a cracked sidewalk you’re removing from in front of your house.  Now imagine doing it underwater.  Now imagine doing it at depths that can crack titanium.  Aquaman does this type of stuff before breakfast every morning.  Again, power is force times acceleration.  Take his immense physical strength and multiply them by his already superhuman reflexes.  That equals power that would explode people’s heads like popcorn upon contact.

4. Aquaman’s pals are the Justice League

BBFs!

BBFs!

He was a founding member of the Justice League and has been involved in nearly every incarnation since.  If someone breaks into your house and steals your vintage Sega Genesis, can you call Batman to solve the crime?  No, you can’t.  Aquaman can.  He can also call Superman to back him up in a fight, the Flash to deliver a message faster than any e-mail server, Wonder Woman to make anyone he wants tell him the truth, and Green Lantern to give him a lift to Neptune.  His Rolodex of powerful friends ranges from a telepathic Martian to a guy made of living plastic.  A man is known by the company he keeps.

3. Aquaman can command anything at home in the water

Aquaman says hi!

Aquaman says hi!

Fresh or saltwater, mammal, reptile, or fish, it doesn’t matter.  Aquaman can command not only cute little clownfish, but things you only see in nightmares.  Enjoying your Everglades boat ride?  You won’t when Aquaman calls a dozen alligators to spoil your trip.  Having a good time on your Alaskan luxury cruise?  You won’t if Aquaman decides to send a giant octopus to turn your cruise into The Poseidon Adventure.  Like eating fish sticks?  You won’t have them when Aquaman throws world food supplies into chaos by telling every fish on Earth how to avoid fishing boats.  He has a wide reach, which leads me to the next point…

2. Aquaman is king of two-thirds of the surface of the Earth

THIS is Aquaman's night job.

THIS is Aquaman’s night job.

He rules the water, the most valuable substance in the universe.  Want to take your shipping vessel through the Panama Canal?  You really can’t unless Aquaman says its okay.  The “garbage island” in the Pacific?  Aquaman can have his aquatic pals push it along until they dump it on the shores of Hawaii.  Have fun on your vacation there after that happens.  Using the power generated from your local dam to read this article?  Let’s just hope Aquaman doesn’t decide to destroy that dam from its bottom.  Aquaman can also stop global oceanic shipping anytime he chooses.  He could throw the surface world economy into a tailspin and let us tear each other apart while he enjoys a relaxing swim with his smoking hot wife.  It would be easy for him, because…

1. Aquaman has a standing army at his command

Oh crap.

Oh crap.

Aquaman could order legions of Atlantean warships to attack every coastal armed forces base on the planet.  Good luck fighting them.  They can dive further than any bombs or submarines can reach.   You can’t nuke them because they’re underwater and we need uncontaminated water to survive.  Aquaman doesn’t have to fight the Legion of Doom.  He can send a battalion of troops with advanced weaponry to do it for him.  Yet, he chooses to do it himself, which makes him a complete bad ass.

Has this convinced you?  Can you think of any other reasons why Aquaman should be respected?  Let us know in the comments section below!

About the author

Nik Havert