1. Iron Man
Now it’s understandable that alcohol may affect actual superhuman individuals differently than us normal folks, however how does alcohol affect superheroes that are still basically human? If Biology midterms and Thursdays prompt me to drink, I can’t even begin to imagine what prompts billionaire-playboy-who-moonlights-as-his-own-bodyguard Tony Stark to chase the bottom of every bottle.
In probably the most well known Iron Man story arc, The Demon in the Bottle, Tony Stark’s rival Justin Hammer hacks into the Iron Man suit in an attempt to kill the red-and-gold Avenger as well as frame him for murder with one perfectly timed premature repulsor blast, forcing Tony to seek asylum in scotch bottles. Stark displays his intellect in finding more excuses to drink—he drinks for two, Iron Man and himself.
The best moment of alcoholism occurs when Tony Stark electrocutes a Hammer Industries guard who suggests Stark start drinking water over brandy. The guard lives somehow, but he is the first person to actually tell Stark to sober up. Not his best friend Rhodey, not romantic interest Bethany Cabe, just unnamed Hammer Industries security guard. The sauce also hinders Stark’s capacity to be Iron Man, slowing down his reflexes and preventing him from coming up with clever excuses to sneak away to armor up, with “I have to do something!” being my personal favorite.
The alcoholism reaches it’s head when a drunk Tony misses a date with the redheaded Cabe, berates personal butler Jarvis, and hires a call-girl by the name of Amber Sunrise. Take away the arc reactor and Tony Stark is basically Sterling Archer. It is only when Tony flies around drunk in his armor and unleashes a tanker of chlorine gas onto a group of policemen that he starts to realize that he may have a problem. He can upgrade his armor to withstand bombardment from a Black Market cocktail of ordinance, but first he must upgrade himself.
While everyone knows the classic Devil in the Bottle storyline and even seen a version of it in Iron Man 2, what you may not know about is the last time that Stark fell off the wagon. In Fear Itself, the Red Skull’s daughter has unleashed a series of evil Asgard hammers across the globe, turning half the Marvel universe into mini-Thor’s and forcing Tony Stark, a man of science, to seek an audience with the all-seeing Odin. One does not simply walk their arc reactor powered armor into Asgard however, as Thor’s daddy demands a sacrifice to be made. With no fat calfs on hand to roast or virgins to shove into nearby volcanoes, Stark sacrifices the only thing he has left to his name- his sobriety. Downing a demonic bottle of wine — and this isn’t like an old school cask or gourd escorted by scale-mail Valkyries but an actual bottle of wine that Stark brings with a label that reads Demon Dans Une Bouteille — Tony Stark leaves not a drop untouched as he is granted passageway into the Great Halls of Asgard.
First of all, I have been unknowingly paying tribute to Odin for years and didn’t even notice. I mean how awesome would that be, you finish that last drop of Guinness when boom — suddenly you’re riding the bifrost, chilling with Frost Giants and making out with Valkyries underneath the Yggdrasil while Odin asks you which hat looks dope on him.
Getting back to comic book reality, I know that for alcoholics, especially for those who had been sober since the last attack on reality by some sort of super villain, breaking one’s teetotalism is a hard thing to do, and chugging that bottle of wine must have been somewhat inconvenient for Tony. Surely, while other superheroes are getting their jawbones mashed into glue and New York is liquefied by the Incredible Hulk wielding his own Thor hammer, no one can possibly know of the wine-bottle shaped cross that Tony Stark had to bear. I mean it totally worked, but wow, I expected a bit more humiliation out of Stark to actually gain an audience with Odin. I thought that it would take at least the downing of a rotgut or Thunderbird quality hobo-wine to get Odin to raise an eyebrow out of interest. Alcoholism may have potentially ruined Tony Stark’s life and has been an ever present thorn in his side, the true rust of the Iron Man armor, but his ability to chug wine had a direct hand in saving the world.
If alcohol can save the world, how bad can it really be? Now if you’ll excuse me I was in the middle of finishing the ritual of trading the soul of my first born child for a demon-liver with the phantasm that lives in my bathroom.
But enough about me; let’s talk about you– what do you think? Should Batman add a bat-flask to his utility belt? If it takes one barrel of beer to get Andre the Giant drunk, how many leagues of beer would it take to get Galactus blotto? Does Logan prefer ales or lagers? Let us know in the comments!
