4. Lois and Clark: Twas the night before Mxymas
Damn it! I’ve already done Batman, do I have to do Superman too? Ugh. Fine. Let’s get this over with. At least this one’s live action. How bad could it be? I wonder who wrote it? Let’s see… Tim Minear. Wait, the same Tim Minear who worked on Angel, Firefly, Dollhouse, The X-Files and Drive? Things are looking up!
So it’s Christmas in Metropolis and whilst Clark is full of yuletide cheer, Lois is not really feeling it. But then Howie Mandel appears as Mr Mxyzptlk, and he is determined to rule the world. The only person who can stop him is Superman so he decides that, as Superman is a symbol of hope, to remove hope from the world. And how does he do that? He casts Ben Affleck as Batman. Nah, just kidding. Can you imagine? No, he sets time on a loop. At four o’ clock, time rewinds to noon. And once time resets, nobody remembers what happened. Except Clark. But how would that get rid of hope, you ask. Well, each time the clock goes back, the citizens of Metropolis lose a bit more hope. Ma and Pa Kent lose faith in their farm, Jimmy Olsen’s girlfriend slowly becomes a hooker, Perry White becomes more depressed over his kids, Lois’s mother turns into an alcoholic and, to top it all off, peace talks break down and it looks like war might erupt.
So it’s up to Superman to restore hope to everyone, banish Mr Mxyzptlk back to the 5th dimension and save Christmas. Geez. That’s a Christmas they’ll remember!
3. The Seal Men’s War On Santa Claus
Okay, enough with the television specials. Let’s have a look see at a comic instead. What do we have here? An old issue of classic Jack Kirby creation, The Sandman. I say classic… more like a classic misprint. DC only ran the series for six issues. And this story comes from the never printed issue number seven. So this is a story so bad that it never saw the light of day? Oh, joy of joys.
And I can see why. This story is strange beyond belief. A young boy named Jed lives on a farm and is tasked with going to a local millionaire to ask for a donation to some kind of Christmas fund. Ooooookay. He goes and visits the millionaire who tells him that if he can prove that Santa Claus exists, he will give him a million dollars, much to the annoyance of his gold digging nephew. But Jed simply goes outside and blows a whistle which summons the Sandman, master of dreams, who promises to take him to Santa’s workshop. But the millionaire’s nephew follows them, as he plans to stop them from finding Santa so that he can have all of his uncle’s money when he dies.
What follows is a bizarre journey into what I can only assume is a story that was inspired by a bad drug trip. We get carnivorous plants, a wizard that the Sandman supposedly saved from aliens, killer elves, two monsters called Brute and Glob and of course, the Seal Men, who have kidnapped Santa because… he accidentally delivered the wrong presents to them. I kid you not. The Seal Men started a WAR with Santa because he delivered the wrong presents to them. I… I can’t. I just can’t. This is too… can we move on?
2. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: Alpha’s Magical Christmas
OH NO! Not Alpha! Not the most annoying character in children’s television! Anything but that! OH SWEET FATHER CHRISTMAS ON A POGO STICK, NOT THAT!
Let’s just get this over with. It’s Christmas in Angel Grove and at the Command Centre Zordon is consoling Alpha who isn’t in a very Christmassy mood. Is it a rule of these Christmas stories that one character has to be very happy about Christmas and another doesn’t? Anyway, Alpha does want to celebrate Christmas… despite being an alien robot, but feels it’s not the same without the Power Rangers who are off helping Santa get ready for Christmas. Really? The Power Rangers have nothing better to do than help Santa, who presumably has an army of elves to help him? No giant monsters attacking their high school at all?
So, in order to cheer Alpha up, Zordon makes him push a button that… makes a Christmas tree appear out of nowhere. Well, that’s handy! And then something odd happens. And bear in mind this is a story about a robot and a floating head celebrating Christmas, that’s how odd this next thing is. Out of nowhere, the song “Oh, Christmas Tree” plays and we see a montage of various Christmassy images. And that’s all this is. A series of Christmas song introduced out of nowhere and with little context, interwoven with Alpha doing stuff. And it’s all AWFUL! Not even a later appearance by the Rangers saves this. Not even Amy Jo Johnson, in all her gorgeousness saves this! FLEE! ABANDON SHIP! WOMEN AND PEOPLE CALLED SCOTT FIRST!
1. Lobo’s Paramilitary Christmas Special
Okay. We’re nearly done. This marathon of Christmas weirdness is almost over. What’s the last thing left? “Lobo’s Paramilitary Christmas Special“? Oh, this is going to hurt!
For those of you who are lucky enough to not know what this is, it’s a thirteen minute short film done by a student program of the American Film Institute in 2002. It was filmed on a budget of $2,400 and stars Andrew Bryniarski, best known for portraying Leatherface in the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. And how does this film start? Let’s just say I’ve never seen the beginning of a film go from awesome to stupid so quickly. Rock music starts to play as Lobo, interstellar bounty hunter, saunters into a bar, breaks a guys neck and threatens the barman. That was awesome. He then goes into a back room and meets… the Easter Bunny. I’m not kidding. I wish I was. And what does the Easter Bunny want? For Lobo to kill Santa Claus. Am I high? I must be. That’s the only explanation that makes any sense.
So Lobo goes to the North Pole and proceeds to slaughter the elves. I’m not kidding, it’s BRUTAL! It’s like The Terminator meets Santa Claus: The Movie! There’s screaming and blood and bone crunching and… oh, the humanity! Lobo eventually makes it to Santa, who reveals a captured Easter Bunny, who begs Lobo to free him, saying “He neutered me!”. Santa makes a peace offering to Lobo in the form of a Christmas present he asked for when he was a child, but never got because he was always on the naughty list. Lobo opens it and finds a snowglobe. While he is distracted, Santa pulls a gun on him. But Lobo shoots him, making Santa, a beloved holiday icon, say “Naughty bastard” before he dies. The Easter Bunny is jubilant, right before Lobo shoots him, as apparently he “Always did hate the holidays”. And as the film ends, so does the last shred of my childhood innocence.
Is that it? Is… is it finally over? OH THANK HEAVEN! The Christmas weirdness is finished! And what have we learned after all that? That Christmas always leads to insanity! Forget being ambivalent to Christmas, I’m becoming a straight up Grinch. Anything to escape the madness! In fact, this makes me think of a song with awkwardly altered lyrics. Sing along!
You’re a mean one, Mr. Scott.
You don’t give a damn.
You can rant on for hours,
You really hate Batman, Mr. Scott.
You’re an insane fanboy and your… career is a shaaaaaaaam.
What do YOU think of these stories? What’s YOUR favourite superhero Christmas story? Let us know in the comments or on Twittter. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to paint my face green and see a man about a rocket powered sleigh ! MWA HA HA HA!
