In honour of Terminator Gen…Gen…Geny…I CAN’T DO IT! I’m English! Correct spelling and grammar is all I know! It’s spelt Genesis! GENESIS!!! *Breaks down sobbing*.
Ahem. Anyway. There’s been quite a few robot related things popping up lately. Terminator, Ex-Machina, Ultron, that Antonio Banderas movie that nobody saw. Maybe the robot trope is replacing the dystopia trope, which in turn replaced the vampire trope. As long as Hollywood keeps inundating us with the same thing over and over, I’m satisfied. As long as you replace the word “satisfied” with “burning with white hot rage”.
So in celebration of this potential new fad, let’s look back as some of the worst robots of all time. Because frankly, I’m running out of ideas. Age of MCU kinda burned me out for a while. Don’t worry, there’s a best robot list coming soon. Just gotta get this out of my system.
DISCLAIMER! List is my own personal opinion, thinly veiled threat to the reader if they disagree, yadda yadda yadda. The main point of this disclaimer is to point out that I’m limiting this list to self mobilised automatons, that may or may not be self aware, that are entirely synthetic, that were created by organic beings or other machines. So no mechs, Transformers, suits of armour, or cyborgs. Deal with it
8. Weebo (Flubber)
Don’t give me that look. I know we all loved Flubber and just thinking about Robin Williams is enough to make us cry, but let’s be honest, the movie wasn’t that great. I’m not saying it’s the worst but… the robot has the voice of Ariel! WE MUST SHUN HER! KILL THE MERMAID!!! ………. I’m not a fan, let’s leave it at that.
My Disney prejudice aside, I guess Weebo wasn’t that bad. Except when she started stalking her creator. Ew. Also, the whole plot of the movie is that Robin Williams is a scientist that needs a big invention to save his college. And yet, he never thinks that the floating, talking, self aware robot he created would be of any interest to anyone! HELLO?
7. Battle Droids (The Star Wars Prequels)
Wow, these guys were lame. I mean, right from the get go they were unimpressive. The Storm Troopers may have never hit anyone, but at least they looked cool. These spindly idiots couldn’t scare anyone! How the hell were they ever able to conquer Naboo?
Lucasfilm wised up and started using them for laughs later on in things like The Clone Wars, but the damage was done. I mean, how could a company that’s come up with so many impressive looking things (not including Jar Jar, obviously) think that these clankers look like a force to be reckoned with. In fact, did they ever kill anyone? I can’t remember! The Storm Troopers definitely killed SOME people.
6. The T-X (Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines)
In all honesty, the T-X could have been an impressive robot. Really. She’s got all kinds of cool weapons, and can control other machines. She has a lot going for her. But it’s all for naught. They ruined her right at the start. She didn’t have a chance. You know what I’m talking about.
She looks at a Victoria’s Secret billboard… and makes her… makes her… I can’t even say it. It’s so stupid and demeaning. *Sigh*. She makes her breasts grow bigger. *Shudders*. I feel dirty just saying it! From that point on, we lost all respect for her, and the film in general. Shame on you Terminator 3. Shame on you!
I… what? This was real? I thought H.E.R.B.I.E. was a myth! A nightmare that comic fans tell their children so that they’ll have an appreciation for good characters. What the hell? So apparently, when Marvel was working on a Fantastic Four animated series in 1978, the Human Torch was unavailable as the character was being considered for a movie on his own (Um, why?).
So the good folks had the brilliant idea to replace him with a robot. Like I did with my last girlfriend. Only this one didn’t go haywire and hold the Prime Minister hostage. It’s a long story, we won’t get into it here. The point is, the Human Torch movie never got made, H.E.R.B.I.E. found a place in the mainstream Marvel universe, and everyone would prefer it if we all forgot this ever happened.
4. Walter the Wobot (Judge Dredd)
Ugh. Walter. Thankfully this detestable speck of a droid was never seen in either of the Judge Dredd movies. But he still haunts the earlier progs of 2000 A.D. with his simpering, lisping voice. You can hear it in your mind when you read the comic. It’s awful! I hate you Walter. I f***ing hate you.
For those of you lucky enough to not know this character, Walter the Wobot was a side character in the early Judge Dredd strips, serving as his house robot butler thing. He had a speech impediment (hence the name), could cry oil, and was blindly devoted to Dredd. The feeling was not mutual. Obviously.
3. Paulie’s Robot (Rocky IV)
Wow. This was just… silly. Even for Rocky IV this was silly. I just watched the trailer for Creed, starring Michael B. Jordan, and I can’t believe that these two exist in the same world. I just can’t. I don’t want to! You can’t make me! *Jumps out of window*
Seriously though, what was Sylvester Stallone thinking? Well, I’m going to find out. Hang on a sec. Ah. Apparently, he wrote the robot into the movie so that it could work with his son in order to help treat his son’s autism. Which it did, to great success apparently.
Okay, fair enough.
2. Every Single Character in Robots (Robots)
God this movie is obnoxious. I’m not going to pretend like every joke is bad, but it certainly feels that way. I feel bad for picking on two Robin Williams movies in the same list (Although I could do more. Bicentennial Man anyone?), but watching this movie is just HARD.
I guess it’s fine for kids, but it’s just constantly in your face with how bad it is. No character escaped unscathed. Ewan McGregor bot starts off fine, but becomes insufferable. Mel Brooks bot seems cool but ends up looking stupid, and don’t get me started on Halle Berry bot!
1. Alpha 5 (Power Rangers)
YOU!!! YOU INSUFFERABLE MECHANOID OF MORONITY!!! YOU AWFUL ANDROID OF ANNOYANCE!!! YOU… GIT!!! I CURSE YOUR VERY NAME!!! MAY THE PEOPLE WHO BUILT YOU DIE A THOUSAND DEATHS IN THE DEEPEST LEVEL OF THE STYGIAN PIT!!! RAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
So yeah, I don’t really like Alpha, did that come across? Maybe it’s because he’s very, very annoying. Maybe it’s because his voice grates like sandpaper to my brain. Maybe it’s because whenever I see him, I want to tear out my own eyes and cut off my ears so I don’t have to see or listen to him. Maybe it’s because he’s a stain on the face of the universe, and I want to wipe it clean. So clean, there’s not a trace left of him. Mwa ha ha ha.
But what do YOU think of these robots? Are they a marvellous menagerie of machines or a cretinous circle of contraptions? Let us know in the comments or on Twitter! In the meantime though, I’m going to see if I can get my robot girlfriend working again. Just need to reconnect this wire aaaand, there! Uh oh. She’s downloaded herself onto the Internet! There’s no telling what she coul- ~#¬@//&$*% THIS IS THE HUMAN DESIGNATED SCOTT. I AM OF LOW INTELLIGENCE AND I LIKE TO WEAR CLOTHING DESIGNED FOR HUMAN FEMALES. END COMMUNICATION.