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“Fast and Furious 9”: Where Absurdity and Monotony Meet

If you think you’ve seen it all with Fast & Furious, I assure you, you have seen nothing! We’ve seen Tarzan use vines to swing in the jungle, we’ve seen Spider-Man use webs to swing between buildings. And now, we’ve seen Dom Toretto swing his car between mountains, and that is not even the most outrageous thing that happens in the movie.

Where to Start?

Do I start with the cars driving through a minefield, or the one man vs an army, or the car in space scene? This movie makes all the previous instalments look as realistic and mundane as The English Patient, and that is not the saddest part. The saddest part of F9 is it tries to tell a genuine story about Dom’s past. We see Dom’s brother Jacob, played by John Cena, and the film delves into the backstory of our protagonist Dom Toretto for the first time.

Cliche, cheesy and asinine are the words I’d use to describe Dom’s backstory. In a film where logic and science have jumped out the window, there is no room for sensible emotions and reasoning. The movie attempts to make itself profound and meaningful, but when I see a man tear down the roof of a water tower and fall over 20 yards into a body of water with rubble falling onto him to eventually make it out without a scratch, I won’t believe the profound vision he has during.

The main plot of F9 is the same as the previous 3 movies. There is a secret weapon that can basically control or destroy everything on Earth, and a villain wants to get their hands on it. Our heroes go off on a mission to stop that villain. Not much to tell, in fact, nothing to tell.

Are they invincible?

Dom Toretto is like the lovechild of Hercules and Superman. Throughout the movie, character Tyrese Gibson suggests the absurd notion that the crew is “invincible”.  Mentioning the ludicrous adventures they’ve been on, to come out of them without even a scar. In his defense, he had just beaten over 15 soldiers shooting at him from a distance not over 10 yards. Driven through a minefield (not evading them, driving through the explosions), to then survive a mine that was triggered 5 yards away from him. The film tries to be meta, to be aware of itself, to hang a lampshade on the absurdity. Understanding that the crew does these impossible missions, but it even horribly fails at that.

The Fast & Furious sequel has, arguably, the worst character development in the history of film. The reason for the worst ranking? Because they try to give some depth and purpose to the characters, especially Dom. If you’re looking for lessons in writing, watch Fast & Furious, and do the exact opposite.

It’s Actually Boring

Even with lousy storytelling, one would hope to be entertained by all the action. But the characters’ invincibility ruins the tension. Yes, the action is way over the top, just like the last four films in the franchise. But action without risk and consequence is simply boring.

Knowing our protagonists are going to be okay and come out alive from their journey means the absence of danger. As an audience, we need to believe the stakes are high, and nothing is certain. Han – the character whose death was central to the last two films – returns for this adventure. Even Brian, played by the late Paul Walker, is shown to be alive and well.

If the characters are going to triumph and have that cliche heroes’ pose at the end, there needs to be something lost. Every victory needs to come at a price. Perfect happy endings are meaningless, any ending needs to be bittersweet at the least.

The One Good Scene

Yes, there is only one good scene in the entire movie. Ironically, it’s reminiscent of the old Fast & Furious movies.

Fast & Furious has never been a good movie, or series of movies. But it was good at what it was trying to be: street car racing. For car enthusiasts, the movies were heaven, the races were well shot and exciting. It did what it wanted to do properly. For some unknown reason, the franchise switched gears and became this over the top action movie. But the biggest question I have (and there are many) is when did Dom and his crew learn how to fight like special forces?

But I digress. The only good scene in the film is a flashback to when Dom races his brother Jacob. The ended-too-early race was exciting, and for a moment, we thought it was all going south (thus the high stakes).

And that’s it, one good scene in the entire movie. Is it worth paying the price of admission to watch a 2 minute race? Of course not. Is it worth the price to watch overblown action scenes? Of course not. It’s not worth watching even if you get paid.

Time to Close the Curtain

I think it’s safe to say this was not the final film in this franchise, but where does it go from here? We have basically gotten the same movie in the last five movies in this godforsaken franchise, and we have had enough.

They have dragged a bank safe in the streets of Rio De Janeiro with a couple of Dodge Chargers. Fought a tank on a highway with convertibles. Jumped across towers in Abu Dhabi in a supercar. Fought a submarine in the Arctic with muscle cars on ice. Now, they have gone up to space wearing scuba suits in a car. We have seen it all, and we do not want to see any more. They can’t quit while they’re ahead anymore, but they should quit before it gets even worse, assuming it somehow could.

Which Fast & Furious is your favorite? Let us know in the comments or on our Facebook and Twitter!

About the author

Omar Khalil