Author - Sam Roads

Hollywood is remaking Robocop, and you can be sure they drafted a committee whose implicitly stated goal is to remove all of what made the original the greatest superhero film ever made. From the Actual Irony(tm) in the adverts, through the visceral evil of Clarence Boddicker to the Five Seconds To Comply insanity of ED 209, this is exactly what every other superhero movie wants to be when it grows up. Robocop may not have spandex or a 50 year pedigree in comics, but it has a unique origin story, a conflicted amnesiac hero, a cop buddy, evil corporations and superb boss battles to end it. But more than that, it has a hero we can care about, pity, and eventually cheer to victory. 5. The Setting Robocop is set in a future where citizens have to face: Corporate Policing. Toxic Waste. Lowest Common Denominator TV Shows. Luckily none of Robocop's predictions have come true. Well, maybe the TV show one... 4. The Humour Joss Whedon once said something like "Make it dark and horrible, but then for God's sake, crack a joke". And that's Robocop. It's an unpleasant, ultraviolent world, enlivened by the adverts for family-friendly games of thermonuclear war. 3. The Toys Robocop, the Cobra Assault Cannons and ED 209 all look fabulous. Nothing can beat that classic look. When they finally make me dictator for life, I'm definitely buying a lifesize ED 209 to patrol my parking space. Stompy stompy stompy. 2. The Denouement Murphy doesn't beat ED 209 through being plucky. Or in love. Or finding the lost Zoetrope of Zarg in scene 3. In fact, he consistently loses fights. But he does what's right and the villain's own hubris leads to his downfall. 1. "I'll buy that for a dollar!" You guys know what I'm talking about. But if Robocop 1987 was good, how much better will the 2014 reboot be? Read on to discover the 5 Reasons Why The Remake Will Suck. 5. The Humour Bypass The trailer has had every scintilla of light-heartedness surgically removed. Because this is an action film. And action films have action! And they're films. 1987 Robocop's first iteration was actually without humour, but director Paul Verhoeven took a leaf from Shakespeare's book, bookending the gunplay with satirical jokes in the final edit. Fingers crossed that this is just a trailer being po faced, not an entire film of tiresome gung-ho. In Samuel L Jackson, Gary Oldman and Michael Keaton there's enough talent to make this a truly amazing film. Just no sign of it from the trailer. 4. The Pathos 1987 Robocop saves the day despite having lost his family and his identity. It's incredibly poignant scene when he returns to his family home and relives old memories. Given the high profile roles for wifey and kiddie in the trailer, it's pretty likely that Murphy will end up reunited with them come film end. It's also good odds on that at some point he'll save their lives. Probably twice. Ugh. 3. The Dialogue In the trailer, angry Robocop says, "What the hell did you do to me?!" Really? Of all the ways words can be put one in front of the other, that was the freshest the scriptwriter could imagine? Extremely Qualified Technician to Other Extremely Qualified Technician (who is looking at the same screen as she is): "Somehow... he's overriding the system's priorities!". Holy exposition, Batman! Did you bring the dialogue repellant Bat-spray? 2. The Sexism This bit actually makes me angry. In 1987 Robocop, Lewis was Murphy's cop buddy. She happened to be female, because hey! this is the future and the police is equal opportunity. Given the dearth of strong female characters (who aren't The Love Interest) in action movies, this was one of The Cool Things About Robocop. Fast forward to the progressive 20somethings. Lewis is gone. No room for a tough, professional female cop in this film! Instead, the only female role in the whole damn movie is Murphy's wife. Not a protagonist in her own right, just an annex to her husband, possibly written into the script under some committee-fear of Murphy not being sufficiently likeable. Maybe I've misjudged things; after all, I've only seen the cast list and the trailer. Maybe Mrs Murphy actually gets all biblical on an ED 209 and saves Murphy with the help of Mr Beretta and Ms Machete. Maybe... but probably not. 1. All The Good Bits No reprise of the iconic P.O.V. origin scene? No sign of the iconic Everyone-Blows-The-Crap-Out-Of-Robocop scene? No Clarence Boddicker? Admittedly the 1987 Robocop trailer was pretty average, so it's fine to hold judgement until the film is on our screens. But I'd lay strong odds that we'll leave the theatre with a taste like stale popcorn. Just like Star Wars. And Tron. And every Terminator, Aliens and Predator greater than 2. Am I wrong? Check out the trailer below and let me know what you think in the comments or send us your thoughts on Twitter. http://youtu.be/INmtQXUXez8

Author - Sam Roads

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