7. DCU Holiday Bash #2: Present Tense
This next one is only a single story from this issue. Not even a long one, it’s two pages. Why does this make the list then? Well gather round kiddiewinks, you’re going to want to hear this!
The story, written and drawn by Ty Templeton, was printed in a comic DC published called DCU Holiday Bash #2, a compilation of short stories about DC characters in various holiday scenarios. Our story takes place in the realm called Apokolips. The villain known as Darkseid is told by a minion that somebody has penetrated the defence perimeter. Darkseid seems rather perturbed by this, as demonstrated by nearly incinerating the unfortunate lackey. More minions inform him of the mysterious figure having breached further defences. Suddenly, they find the person has made his way into the very room! And who exactly was this incredible figure? Superman? Batman? Arm Fall Off Boy? No, it’s Santa Claus! Wait, what?
Yep, ol’ St. Nick has visited Darkseid. For what purpose? To give him a lump of coal. I’m sorry, did you not hear that? I said: TO GIVE HIM A LUMP OF COAL! And he gets away with it! He hands him the coal, legs it and escapes on his sleigh. Damn! Santa’s got balls! For sheer absurdity, if nothing else, I recommend you check this story out.
6. X-Men: Have Yourself a Morlock Little X-Mas
Na na na na noo-noo, na na na noo-noo, na na na na noo-noo… noo-noo. Get it? It’s the X-Men theme. *Ahem*. Laugh, damn it!
So, I loved the X-Men cartoon growing up. It was like the Spider-Man cartoon only without the ridiculous censorship. But looking back on it… it may not have been as good as I thought it was. Mainly because at times it’s SO CORNY! My word, the dialogue alone in this episode was so clichéd and so lacking in subtlety I felt like the show was whacking me over the head with a big ear of corn!
But anyway, it’s Christmas Eve at the X-Mansion, and Jubilee is looking forward to her first Christmas with the X-Men, but Wolverine is not so jolly. So she and Storm take him shopping to try and get him in the holiday mood. But disaster strikes when they run into some Morlocks and discover that Leech is sick! Oh no! They go to the sewers to try and help him but it seems like only a blood transfusion from Wolverine will work, and even then it’s doubtful he will survive. And it’s at this point the episode manages to be simultaneously bad and good. On the one hand you’ve got Wolverine struggling to cope with the pressure of being the only one who can save Leech when he’s not even sure he can. That’s good! But on the other you’ve got Jubilee crying in the corner hugging a pwecious ittle Morlock girl with eyes as big as dinner plates full of hope. That’s cheesy and corny.
Throw in Jean Grey and Gambit arguing over how to cook Christmas dinner and we’ve got a strange mix for a Christmas episode. One that’s ruining my memories of the show to boot. OW! Right in the childhood!
5. The Mask (The Animated Series)Â : Santa Mask
Yeah… The Mask had an animated television series. Makes sense, I guess. Maybe. So as you might have guessed I’m not very familiar with this series. I loved the Jim Carrey film but I’d never watched the show. And was this episode as weird as you’d expect? No. It’s WEIRDER! This was like I dropped bad acid while watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Even that doesn’t do it justice! You want to know why? Let’s look at how this Christmas episode starts.
So Stanley Ipkiss is stood outside the bank where he works dressed as Santa to get more customers when… you ready? Okay, here we go. At the bank across the street some guy who looks like the Hulk when he was grey is also dressed as Santa. He tries to rob said bank but two guys also dressed as Santa, one of whom sounds like Michelangelo from TMNT, the other of whom is a fish, tell him that they’d planned to rob the bank too. Grey Hulk Santa throws Fish Santa into the mouth of Michelangelo Santa, making him go out the other side of his head. Then some guy who sounds like an evil version of Winnie the Pooh, ALSO dressed as Santa comes up and tells them that HE wanted to rob the bank too! Then Zorro dressed as Santa turns up followed by  drunken Christopher Walken dressed as Santa. Then they all, including Stanley, get arrested and thrown in jail where Stanley meets a man claiming to be the real Santa who sounds like Orson Welles and OH GOD WHERE ARE MY MEDS?
You want know the worst part? All that is shown in THREE MINUTES! OF A TWENTY MINUTE EPISODE! *Sobs uncontrollably* I can’t take it! On to the next one before I lose what’s left of my sanity!
