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10 Comic Book Characters We Will Probably Never See on Film

3. Matter-Eater Lad

I… I don’t… whaaaaaa? Okay, okay, okay. You know what? I can get past the fact that his super power is the ability to eat all forms of matter. I can get past the fact that this is an incredibly lame reason for a character. I can get past the fact that, in the 60’s, DC must have been run by creatively bankrupt nut jobs! But the one thing I CANNOT ABIDE is this… “Matter Eater Lad”? That’s his name? You couldn’t spend another three minutes trying just a fraction harder to come up with a better name? You went with the name that sounds more like a parody of a super hero than an actual super hero. I may hate the Wonder Twins, but at least they have a decent name!

So, what is this guy’s story? Well, he’s an alien from a planet where all food was made inedible. So they developed the ability to eat all forms of matter as a survival reflex. Yeah… I’m pretty sure Darwin would fall out of his chair laughing if you told him that one. This character is so bad, that during his early stories with “The Legion of Superheroes”, the writers would often write him out of the story as they couldn’t come up with a way to make his power useful in a fight. Wait… what? This is a guy who can literally eat ANYTHING and you can’t think of a way this could be useful? Idiots!

 

2. Arm-Fall-Off-Boy

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I- HA HA HA HA HA! Oh boy. Oh man. I can’t breathe! Ohhhhh. I needed that. That cheered me right up.

So, yeah. This is another stupid DC character. But whilst the others at least had the excuse of being created in or before the 60’s, this guy was created in 1989! You heard right people, 1989. Do I even NEED to explain why this character will never appear in cinemas? DC haven’t even made a Flash film yet. No way are they ever going to put this guy on the silver screen. Ever. EVER!

But do you know what the sad thing about his is? I can’t tell whether this character is a joke or not. When I first heard this I thought: “Really? Come on. Not even DC would make this character anything other than an intentionally funny joke character”. And at first it seems like he was meant to be just that. But later it seems like he’s a semi serious character. He saves a bunch of other heroes at one point and nearly makes it into the Legion of Superheroes. DC… you can’t have it both ways. Either he’s a joke or he’s a serious character. PICK ONE!

 

1. All of the Great Lakes Avengers

Yeah, I know it’s a cop out but I couldn’t pick any individual one of these losers! I had to lump them all together. This is the weirdest collection of Z grade superheroes come together in all of comics.

Who have we got? Let’s see… first there’s the leader of the team, Mr. Immortal. His power is the ability to transform into any kind of root vegetable he wants. Nah, just kidding. Obviously he’s immortal. Literally. Nothing can kill him. Nothing will ever kill him. He will live until the Universe ends and possibly beyond. You can see how that wouldn’t work in a film. Dramatic tension due to danger? What’s that?

Dinah Soar is… well a humanoid dinosaur creature. Sort of. Do you get it? Her name is Dinah Soar… and she’s a dinosaur. DO YOU GET IT? SHE’S A DINOSAUR! AND HER NAME IS DINAH SOAR! LAUGH!

Flatman is… is… you can probably guess what his powers are. These titles leave very little to the imagination. If you’re wondering why he looks so much like Mr Fantastic, please don’t. It’s easier that way.

Big Bertha is a fashion model with the ability to make herself super strong by making herself incredibly fat. She makes herself thin again by vomiting. There’s a role model for all teenage girls out there.

Doorman has the ability to teleport anywhere. So long as it is in the next room. And his body is the portal to and from that room. So he’s basically useless if there is an actual door leading into the room you want.

Then there’s Squirrel Girl. Arguably the only useful member of the team as, despite having a squirrel motif and the ability to communicate with squirrels, she has surprisingly taken down a lot of super villains in her time. Including Doctor Doom. Still… she has a squirrel tail. I just don’t see that happening in a movie.

 

But what do YOU think? Which characters do you think we will never see on film? Have we left them off this list? Are we alone in the Universe? Please answer all these questions in the comments below! Especially that last one, I’m dying to know. 

About the author

Scott Meridew